Blokes only Comedy [K]lub

[dnar]

Right, due to violent protests flaring up over at Shu's Comedy Club, mostly as a result of the extremely funny but harmless sexist jokes that appear so popular, this fine establishment is now open, catering to Gents only......











Sheila's are welcome, but management take absolutely no responsibility for any damage that may result.











WARNING: SOME VIEWERS MAY BE OFFENDED BY THE CONTENT OF THIS FORUM.

[phil]

May I say, please don't go too far......there are other people to think about that may be offended by things that you post.........


......was that you? http://www.ocprices.com/phil/smiley/fart.gif

[dnar]

Originally posted by phil

May I say, please don't go too far......there are other people to think about that may be offended by things that you post.........








......was that you? http://www.ocprices.com/phil/smiley/fart.gif

Dang! Raided on opening nite, and before the first act...



[go bust Nurse Shu's club down the road...]:D

[siggy]

Well you hit 500 post. Congrats.

[phil]

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/phil.harling/images/moggy.jpg

[TDKozan]

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed .......................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
in the snow.............................................. .....+8
but return with beer..........................................-5
and no liners............................................ ....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her cat............................................... ..-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party............ 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy............................................. .-2
Named Tiffany....................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10
With breast implants.............................-80

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday................................0
You buy a card and flowers...............................0
You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team........-100

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.......................................0
The pal is happily married..........................+1
The pal is single...................................-7
He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie...............+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate......+6
You take her to a movie you like......-2
It's called Death Cop 3...............-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly......................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...................................+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...........................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".......-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?":
You reply, "No!"..................................0
You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "no, I think it's your ass".........-100
Any other response..............................-50

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression....................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do"..........-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.........................................+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200

[Virus]

Dude, that picture is awesome!

[siggy]

TDKozan,

ROFL........That was hilarious.

[pelligrini]

Originally posted by TDKozan
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?":
You reply, "No!"..................................0
You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "no, I think it's your ass".........-100
Any other response..............................-50


You don't actually look before you immediatly reply "No!"...... -75
You reply, "No comment".......................-25 (plus a slap)

Good one (too true though)

[pelligrini]

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting this fact to a few of his friends down at the local grain silos. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?" "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her." He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip-roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately.

That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't getthe effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip-roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out loud,...."Darling. Look at THIS!!!" She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

(You can delete this if you think it's "too far" phil)

[pelligrini]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says......"You idiot!" You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!

[X-Calibur]

Originally posted by Virus
Dude, that picture is awesome!

Made my missus read about it, she laught and said: It's funny, but the sad part is that it's really like this...

Good call !!!

[shubles]

Originally posted by pelligrini


You don't actually look before you immediatly reply "No!"...... -75
You reply, "No comment".......................-25 (plus a slap)

Good one (too true though)

not ALL true.

yes it is true women are way too obsessed with their weight. but i'd expect the actual truth.
if i look like shit in something i want to bloody know about it.

but then again, a girls female friends answer in exactly the same way. :rolleyes:

[dnar]

Originally posted by pelligrini

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting this fact to a few of his friends down at the local grain silos. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?" "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her." He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip-roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately.





That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't getthe effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip-roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out loud,...."Darling. Look at THIS!!!" She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"





(You can delete this if you think it's "too far" phil)

LOL! Your going to get us closed down for sure! :rolleyes:

[Chas]

ROFL..........

That's a killer mate at least i'm off to work with a smile on my face (nothing else) :D :D

[wylie]

INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was Visiting Phoenix, Durban from the U.S. "Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:
_________________________________________
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove Dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These char o's are crazy.
__________________________________________
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to Give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw The look on my face.
___________________________________________

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
Like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more Beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is In the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
____________________________________________
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish Or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, Was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to Look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
____________________________________________

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, Adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I Can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those char o's!
___________________________________________

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of Spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need To wipe my ass with a snow cone!
_____________________________________________

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can Of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild Nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[phil]

Originally posted by pelligrini
(You can delete this if you think it's "too far" phil)


Hmmm, VERY close to being too far. I'll leave it unless I get a genuine complaint though that isn't a go ahead to test "the limits" :D

[verT]

Hey why do men like women to wear leather mini skirts?


It makes them smell like a new car

[Dave S]

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?

[Chas]

Hey Wylie LOL

Man that was great, brought tears to my eyes ,
and i love a curry ...... :D

[Chas]

Prior to competing in the 2001 open championships,
Tiger Woods is touring the links courses in Ireland and, in need of some petrol, pulls into a petrol station in his huge Mercedes.

"Howdy" he says to the attendant "can you fill her up " ?
but as he pulls out the keys, two wooden tees fall out of his pocket.

"Sweet Mary"! Exclaims the attendant "and what are they?"

Tiger looks down, and smiles"They are for putting my balls on while i'm driving"

"Bejasus!" cries the attendant, "those fellas at Mercedes think of everything"

[siggy]

I wonder if that is point side up or point side down?

[Chas]

Owwwch.....Painful :D

[Dave S]

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women

(and what they actually mean)


10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm
seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and
Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've only sworn off the men like you.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually
means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

[Hans Arne Iversen]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[dnar]

Choice excerts from Quantas maintenance logs:

(P - The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S - The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - No. 2 propeller seepage normal - Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.

P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.

P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.

P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.

P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they are there for!

P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you're right.

P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after briefs earch.

P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed

[siggy]

15 Signs You Drank Too Much

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

[siggy]

You Know You're Out Of College When...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

[dnar]

I found this one tonight on comp.os.linux and thought it quite humourous.......

<begin NG post>

> Can someone post it?
>
> Thanks

ftp it from rtfm.mit.edu

<end NG post>

At first me thinks this is a joke, but nope.

[TDKozan]

Originally posted by dnar


rtfm.mit.edu




Too cool!

TK ;>

[phil]

The new Tote Cat Carrier (http://homepage.ntlworld.com/phil.harling/images/TabbyTote.jpg)

[Dave S]

http://www.wasya.com/images/bungee_1.jpg

[Chas]

Hey Phil and Dave

LOL loved them both :D :D

[siggy]

A blonde a brunette and a redhead were convicted of a crime and sent to jail. Then they decide to escape, the brunette jumps up on the wall and then
jumps in the bushes on the other side. The guards poke their heads around the door to see what the noise was so the brunette says, 'meow meow.'
The guards say, 'don't worry it was just a cat.'
So then the redhead has to go, she gets up on the wall and jumps off into the bushes. Once again the guards come out and see what the trouble was and the redhead says, 'meow meow.'
The guards say, 'oh never mind, just another cat...'
So then its the blondes turn, so she gets up on the wall and jumps off and into the bushes. And the guards come out once again to see what all
the noise is so the blonde says,
'Dont Worry Its Just Another Cat!!'

[Chas]

I take it your not blonde siggy? :D

[siggy]

No, I am not. I am Auburn.

[Rick_Deadly]

Originally posted by siggy
No, I am not. I am Auburn.

Is that the brown that has a little green in it ? :)

[siggy]

No that would be my eyes. They are hazel.

Auburn is a mix of Brunette and redhead. I am Irish with a little scot mixed in.

[pelligrini]

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says, "You going to die, cowboy. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other figuring, "Typical white thinks only with short bow." The second day, the chief asks, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. Again, the Indians shake their heads figuring, "Typical white man, going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing." On the last day, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells,
"Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

[stall6g]

Not really a joke per se but I saw it in another thread and I thought that it was humorous. Just goes to show you how far people will go to sell a product.

Auction (http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1256169314)

[shubles]

Originally posted by Chas
I take it your not blonde siggy? :D

i am.

well...
...was
:D

[Nofinger]

What do you get when you combine the best opions of WINDOWS CE, WINDOWS ME and WINDOWS NT?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A indestructible operating System: Windows CEMENT

[phil]

Like this Nofinger?

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/phil.harling/images/mscement.gif

[Dave S]

ROFL:D

[dnar]

I Like http://members.iinet.net.au/~dnar/images/icons/3dbiggrin4.gif

[Nofinger]

Yes Phil, Thats it:D
Thank for sharing this great pic. with us.
It will be a Big hit this New generation of W^%d&$*&ws:D
It's stable as a Rock and also will never be stolen:D

[dnar]

Microsoft, just like the Roman's....

"They came, they saw, they concreted...."

Terrific race the Romans, triffic! What I would give to be spat at in the face.....

[Chas]

Originally posted by dnar

Terrific race the Romans, triffic! What I would give to be spat at in the face..... ooooooooo you lucky bastard i'd give any thing for that they must think the sun shines out of your arse.....

[siggy]

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
''Hello?'' says a little girl's voice.
''Hi, honey, it's Daddy,'' says Bob. ''Is Mommy near the phone?''
''No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'' After a brief pause, Bob says, ''But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!''
''Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!''
''Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.''
''Okay, Daddy!'' A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. ''Well, I did what you said, Daddy.''
''And what happened?''
''Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.''
''Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?''
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.''
There is a long pause.
''Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?''

[siggy]

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited his results. The day he received the results, he got quite a surprise -- he got 150%. He quickly phoned the instructor and asked about the high mark. The instructor said, “No, that's right. First, I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine -- a very thorough job. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it -- a fantastic job really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the tail pipe.”

[wylie]

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday", and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday". I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember". The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me". I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go"

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and I enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not". She said, "Let's go to my apartment". After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"
"Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.



And there I sat...on the couch...naked

[fizler]

you know your no longer a kid when..


Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.

Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

Being bad is no longer cool.

You have friends who have kids.

Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.

Your parents' jokes are now funny.

You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"

You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.

Christmas starts to piss you off.

You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is not there to
do your laundry anymore.

Two words: parachute pants

Naps are good.

Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.

You have onced deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".

When you know that the machines in gas station bathrooms don't dispense
balloons.

When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

Playboy's Playmate of the month is younger than you.

The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.

You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.

You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

You WANT clothes for Christmas.

You don't want a Camaro becuase of the insurance premiums.

You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

You've bought an album on vinyl.

You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.

You read the "if you were born on this day in 1977 you are of legal age to
buy alcohol" sign at the liquor store and recall attending a high school
dance on that date.

You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder
who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize
it is a shot of you from behind.

[phil]

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/phil.harling/images/classa.jpg

[phil]

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, ''I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York.''

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, ''I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York.''

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, ''Thank you so much.'' hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, ''I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York.''

[Dave S]

There is this fish in the water, and he is looking at a fly hovering over the water. "If that fly would drop six inches, I could jump out and grab it!"

There is a bear on the bank of the lake, and he is saying "If that fly would drop six inches, the fish would jump out to get it and I could grab the fish!!"

There is a hunter in the forrest, taking aim at the bear. He says "If that fly would drop six inches, then the fish would jump out and the bear would reach for the fish and come into the clear, then I could shot it!!!"

There is a mouse, hidden behind the hunter. He is looking at the hunter's cheese sandwich. He say's "If that fly would drop six inches, the fish would go for the fly, the bear would go for the fish, the hunter would put down his cheese sandwich and go to shoot the bear and I could grab the cheese sandwich!!!!"

There is a cat standing further back from the mouse. She is saying, "If that fly would drop six inches, the fish would jump for the fly, the bear would go for the fish, the hunter would put down his cheese sandwich to shoot the bear, the mouse would run for the sandwich, and I could grab that mouse in a second!!!!!"

Then it happened.

The fly droped six inches.
The fish jumped up and got the fly!
The bear reached out and grabed the fish!!
The hunter put his cheese sandwich down and shot the bear!!! The mouse ran and picked up the sandwich!!!! The cat lunged for the mouse, missed, and then ended up in the water!


So you ask, "What is the moral of the story?"
The moral of this story boys and girls is.....

"EVERY TIME A FLY DROPS SIX INCHES, A PUSSY GETS WET!!!!"

[siggy]

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

[Yo_Mama]

Holy Sheite Muslims! I damn near laughed until I puked! Could hardly read through all the tears... Hoo boy....

\Originally posted by wylie
INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER

[siggy]

Hey Phil that is the kind of car I need. Bet it corners pretty good.

[dnar]

The difference between man & woman.....

http://members.iinet.net.au/~dnar/images/jokes/men_women.jpg

[dnar]

Two cops are sitting in their police car one night, outside the local pub. Just before closing, they watch this drunkard stagger from the bar, tripping over his shoes, he can hardly walk.... Great they think, we got a live one!



So this drunkard, he walks up to his car, fumbles with his keys, drops his keys, picks them up and tries the door.... For some reason, his door will not unlock. Realising that the car he is trying to unlock is not his, he staggers over to his car, parked in the next row. Again, he dropps his keys but finally gains entry to his vehicle. By this time, the two coppers are rubbing their hands in glee.



The drunkard, now sitting in the comfort of his vehicle, eventually manages to start his engine. With the two coppers watching his every move, the drunkard accidently turns on the windscreen wipers, but eventually finds the light switch. He then engages first gear and proceeds to bump the car parked in front of him..... The two coppers cant beleive their eyes.



Finally, managing to find reverse, the drunkard reverse his car from the lot, and leaves the hotel parking lot, mounting the curb in the process and nearly hitting a pedestrian. The two coppers fly into action, lights and siren blazing they pull him over and force him to take a breathaliser test.



To the coppers dismay, the drunkard has not registered a single point on the tester. When asked how much he had to drink, the drunkard replied: "not a drop officer, tonight is my turn as the decoy"......

[siggy]

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

[siggy]

'One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and says, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!” Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”

[siggy]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?


A stick.

[siggy]

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''

[siggy]

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.
''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter.

The Texan said, ''What's a shortage?''

The Russian said, ''What's a steak?''

The New Yorker said, ''What's excuse me?''

[Dave S]

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

[pelligrini]

Dennis Dempsey O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Well, Dennis Dempsey O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening,
"Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."

When O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said,
"I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."

His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said,
"Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."
His wife then said, "Why Denny, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with Denny.

He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".

"Yes, that's right," said the lovely Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts:" he's only been there twice,
the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears."

[wylie]

Any Man who brings a camera to a bucks night may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When your Date is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is offlimits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is forbidden.
Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional).

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

While your girlfriend must bond with your Mates' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads--- low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and we drew the short straw on that one).

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Always split aces and eights. No arguments!

[Dave S]

http://wasya.com/images/FIREFART.JPG

[Medic193]

Dave ahhhhhhhh!:eek: You know that file was a BMP. 1,830 kb's? I feel sorry for the people on dial up. As a jpg it drops the size to 138 kbs. Just fyi.:cool:

On a side note: keep those coming, I love comical pics.

[Dave S]

Originally posted by Medic193
Dave ahhhhhhhh!:eek: You know that file was a BMP. 1,830 kb's? I feel sorry for the people on dial up. As a jpg it drops the size to 138 kbs. Just fyi.:cool:

On a side note: keep those coming, I love comical pics.
Hehehe I was wondering if that would catch anybody out, it is a .jpg “http://wasya.com/images/FIREFART.JPG” but if you go to save it [depending on wot browser etc you are using] the only save option is .bmp (bet U done this hu;)) hence you get a 1,830 kb's .bmp on my server its size is http://wasya.com/images/med1.jpg

[Dave S]

Originally posted by Medic193
............
On a side note: keep those coming, I love comical pics.
Just for the Med Man http://wasya.com/images/freefall.jpg
Don’t wont to spoil you tho by posting them all in one go :eek:

[fizler]

Computer virus..

1. The Ellen DeGeneres virus...Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC

2. Monica Lewinsky virus...Sucks all the memory out of your computer

3. Titanic virus...makes your whole computer go down

4. Disney Virus...makes your computer go Goofy

5. Mike Tyson Virus...Quits after two bytes

6. Prozac virus...Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care

7. Sharon Stone virus...Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's
there

8. Lorena Bobbit virus...Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 floppy

9. Woody Allen virus...Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

10. Saddam Hussein virus...Won't let you in to any program

11. Tonya Harding virus...Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons

12. Joey Buttafuocco virus...Only attacks minor files

13. Spice Girl virus...Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

14. Ronald Reagan virus...Saves your data, but forgets where it stored it.

15. Dr. Krevorkian virus...searches your hard drive for old files and
deletes them.

16. Sony Bono virus...Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears
out of nowhere.

17. Martha Stewart virus...Takes all your files, sorts them by category and
folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

18. Oprah Winfrey virus...Your 200MB hard drive shrinks to 80MB and then
slowly expands to 300MB.

19. AT&T virus...Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you're
getting.

20. MCI virus... every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much
for the AT&T virus

21. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus...Terminates and stays resident..."it'll be
back"

22. Viagra virus...Expands your Hard Drive.

[Dave S]

http://www.wasya.com/images/WORD_FOR.jpg

[shubles]

Q. What does a monster eat after he's been to the dentist?


A. The dentist


(oops. wrong thread)
:D

[shubles]

it doesnt matter where you post!!!
your posts just suck

[shubles]

Can a shoe box?
No, but a tin can.

[shubles]

Originally posted by dnar

A. The swallow.

i didnt know there was a bird called THE SPIT!!!!!

[shubles]

im taking you to the tribunal for unlawful dismissal

i MUST have 3 written warnings before dismissal

so :p

[wylie]

Oh PURLEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE behave you two...........
Crass jokes only here please....

[siggy]

Originally posted by dnar

A. The swallow.

I was going to say the dove. But I am obviously not in the gutter like some people.:D

[shubles]

great wylie!!!!

just ruin everyones fun.
when did you grow up?

:p

[shubles]

what????
am i starting to piss you off???

me???
piss you off?????

am i pissing you off?

me piss you off?
did i piss you off??

[wylie]

Just a low whinge somewhere....

[Dave S]

http://wasya.com/images/GirdleWonders.jpg

[Dave S]

http://wasya.com/images/win1.jpg

[TDKozan]

"Chicken Soup for the Drinker"

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink
I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the brewery and all of their
hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be
shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I
drink this beer and let their dreams come true than
be selfish and worry about my liver."
--by Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to
spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That
will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of
alcohol.
--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the
one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up
with fat, hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the
decency to thank her.
--W. C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my
lunch?
--Tee Mans

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up
reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so
get wasted all of the time and have the time of your
life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a
frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we
fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's
all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and
an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a
football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the
very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol
than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be
happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking
beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few
drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can
distinguish it from urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the
world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as
hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no
way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like
me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to
killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without
holding on. --Dean Martin

* Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

* To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support group.

* Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's
problems over white wine.

[TDKozan]

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband

is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly

so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.

Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in
the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here"

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball"
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$25."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes, it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
Man: Remembering the last time, he asks, "how much?"
Boy: "$75"
Man: "Fine"

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the
baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$100"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like that, that is way more than those two
things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make
you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy
sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

[Dave S]

http://wasya.com/images/otm1.jpg

[phil]

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/phil.harling/images/kiwi.jpg

[Dave S]

http://wasya.com/images/surfed-too-long.jpg

[Dave S]

http://wasya.com/images/turkeymoo.jpg

[siggy]

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

[siggy]

The 12-Step Program for Internet Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I use to.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash the dog, get the kids off to school, all before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear what is happening on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on my computer.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed some time....and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

[siggy]

> DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
>
>Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
>A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it
>yet.
>
>Airhead (er*hed) n.
>What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
>
>Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
>You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes,
>diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but,
>he "made the dinner."
>
>Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
>Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
>
>Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
>Gotta get married in a church.
>
>Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
>An appliance designed to eat socks.
>
>Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
>A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of
>peanut M&Ms.
>
>Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
>The last two minutes of a football game.
>
>Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
>To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
>
>Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
>What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.
>
>Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
>Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to
>duplicate again. See "Magician."
>
>Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
>Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming
>out anytime soon.
>
>Childbirth (child*brth) n.
>You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold
>your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."
>
>Lipstick (lip*stik) n
>On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his
>collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
>
>Park (park) v./n.
>Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After
>children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
>
>Patience (pa*shens) n.
>The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See
>also "tranquilizers."
>
>Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
>Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you
>try to remove it.
>
>Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
>A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and
>romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

[phil]

For all of the Windows 9x users out there (http://128.241.244.96/portal/uploads/27000/27549_winrg.swf)

[dnar]

/* Source Code to Windows 2000 */
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "workst~1.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#define INSTALL HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action,jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction,sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();

[shubles]

Originally posted by phil
For all of the Windows 9x users out there (http://128.241.244.96/portal/uploads/27000/27549_winrg.swf)

i went to that site and iexplorer crashed
when i cntrl + alt + del it my whole puter did something weird.
MY TASK BAR IS RUNNING UP THE RIGHT HAND SIDE OF MY SCREEN

WHAT DID U DO???????

[MechCD]

LOL

it supposed to be an interactive thingy that fakes windows inside your browser..... Dunno why it made it really crash

[wylie]

wouldnt be the several hundred other applications you had going at the same time would it shue??? :p :D :p

[MechCD]

Originally posted by stall6g
Not really a joke per se but I saw it in another thread and I thought that it was humorous. Just goes to show you how far people will go to sell a product.

Auction (http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1256169314)

aww sh1t..... i actually put my login in there...... don't wanna see that kinda stuff.... dangit........ someone needs to buy me tose penguin mints now............

[shubles]

Originally posted by wylie
wouldnt be the several hundred other applications you had going at the same time would it shue??? :p :D :p

what several hundred????
i have 6 (and not 600 either)

my web browser crashed and my task bar went on a holiday to the side of the screen

so ner
:p

[wylie]

Still got the winnie-the-pooh active desktop?? :p :p

[shubles]

Originally posted by wylie
Still got the winnie-the-pooh active desktop?? :p :p

HA HA HA HA YOR FUNNY

NO!!!!

all that went with the reformat
so ner :D :p :D

[pelligrini]

Originally posted by phil
For all of the Windows 9x users out there (http://128.241.244.96/portal/uploads/27000/27549_winrg.swf)

All too real

[Dave S]

2 true……ooooh memories……lovely memories!!!!:D :D :D hahahaha:rolleyes:

http://wasya.com/images/att1cyfg.gif

[Dave S]

or

http://wasya.com/images/Big_brother_is_watching_you1533.jpg

[phil]

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/phil.harling/images/sexmaniac.jpg

[siggy]

There was once this couple who had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night there would be screams and shouts from their house. One day the old man said, “I'm sick and tired of you. When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you.” After this, the old guy started practising black magic. All the dissapeareces of people, cats, dogs, etc. were blamed on him.
At the age of 80 the old guy dies, and his wife puts him in a casket. Later that night, she goes to the bar and parties as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbour comes up to her and says, “Aren't you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?” The old lady camly replied, “Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket the other way around.”

[siggy]

Q: Why can you never trust a woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and does not die?

[Bruce]

It's deer season and Olie and Swen are out in the Minnesota woods when Swen grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Olie whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think my friend has died from a heart attack! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy, I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a loud gun shot is heard.

Olie's voice comes back on the line saying, "OK, now what?"

[wylie]

ROFLMFAO!!!!:D :D :D
Oh man thanks for that......made my day!!!
:D

[pelligrini]

Things Aren't always What They Seemhttp://members.home.net/pelligrini/Bad_Day.jpg

[phil]

LMAO :D

[ohms18k]

Oh man that curry taster was a bone splitter, very funny wylie:D

[ohms18k]

My brother and I are walking in a super market and he says to me “don’t you hate how some stores smell like mothballs?” I say “yeah”, and then he says “how do you get those little legs open?”

[ohms18k]

Genes produced by TGC

A farmer develops a new kind of fruit.

The farmer says, “take a bite it won’t hurt”, man that taste just like an apple, then he says “bite the other side”, now you are floored cause it taste like an orange, that’s amazing!! can you make fruit to taste like anything? “Sure” the farmer says. Hmmmmm…..can you make it taste like pussy? hehehe. The farmer says, "no problem come back in a few days". You return and the farmer has your fruit ready you take it home and eat it. The farmer calls and ask how was it and you say it tasted just like pussy but the other side tasted like shit!

[Stilgar]

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And
Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther
Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These
people have all been known to kick ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC,
Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever-it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you
(e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and
generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies,
or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex,
Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do,
sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Bush, Edwards, Duke,
Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick
your ass.

6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell
up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here-or we'll kick
your ass.

7) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended.
Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you
will get your ass kicked.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we
don't give a damn. Many of us have visited Northern hell holes like
Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you
don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home
before it gets kicked.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way
because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't
understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what
we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll
kick your ass.

11) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about
OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back into
Boston Harbor.

12) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am,"
hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because
such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves
around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some
manners into your ass just like they did ours.

13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in
the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in
smelly,crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun
of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

14) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell
us how to cook Barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after
it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all.
Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box-minus your
ass.

ANY QUESTIONS?

[Bruce]

<<
Pass it on to your women friends!

The President has asked that we unite for a common cause. Since the hard line Islamic people can not stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, Tonight at 7:00, all women should run out of their house naked to help weed out the terrorists.

The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you. God bless America. >>

[eldiablo]

Originally posted by Bruce
<<
Pass it on to your women friends!

The President has asked that we unite for a common cause. Since the hard line Islamic people can not stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, Tonight at 7:00, all women should run out of their house naked to help weed out the terrorists.

The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you. God bless America. >>

I think this should be done every night. :D

Do it for your country! :D

[siggy]

WRONG answer Dude!!!


Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
-
Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that that wasn't the
case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
-
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try
anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front
of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
-
"How long will this take?" she asks.
-
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
-
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
-
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
-
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

[shubles]

very good siggy

a very funny reply :D

BUT if i ever hear something like that...
...look out!!!!!!!!!

[siggy]

Don't Mess With Pennsylvania Women!!

Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio.
One man was from Michigan, one from Florida and one from Pennsylvania.
They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their
wives.

The guy from Michigan began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms
that from now on she would have to do her own cooking.
Well - the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw
nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set,
a wonderful dinner was prepared withwine and even dessert."

Then the man from Florida spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that
from now on she would have to do her own shopping, and also
do the cleaning.
The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third
day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the
shelves were filled with groceries.


The fellow from Pennsylvania was married to an enlightened woman
from the Pittsburgh area. He sat up straight on the bar stool,
pushed out his chest and
said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now
on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well -the
first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the
third
day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye..."

[siggy]

> > > A boy and his Father went to a shopping mall. They were
> > > amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
> > > back together again.
> > >
> > > The boy asked his Father, "What is that Father?"
> > >
> > > The Father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like
> > > that in my life, I don't know what it is."
> > >
> > > While the boy and his Father were watching, an elderly woman
> > > slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
> > > The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a
> > > small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
> > > watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls
> > > light up.
> > >
> > > They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse
> > > direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 25-year
> > > old woman stepped out.
> > >
> > > The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".
> > >

[shubles]

LOL
:)

[zhotfire]

Is any of this true?

Secrets of Women's Language

1. FINE
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she
feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to
describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those
arguments.

2. FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football/hockey or whatever game is going to last before you take
out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.

3. NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn
you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the
word "Fine".

4. GO AHEAD (c/w Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and eventually cause an argument that will last "Five
Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

5. GO AHEAD (w/out raised eyebrows)
This means "I give up. Do what you want because I don't care." You
will, however, get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few
minutes, followed by "Nothing", and a "Five Minute" argument ending
with "Fine".

6. LOUD SIGH
Not actually a word of course but often a verbal cue misunderstood by
men. The "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you're an idiot and wonders
why she is wasting her time standing there having a "Five Minute"
argument with you over "Nothing."

7. SOFT SIGH
One of the few sounds that some men actually understand. She is
content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe. Just stay
clear.

8. OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble. E.G. - "Oh, let me
get that",which actually means you are obviously incapable and
incompetent and cannot possibly complete the task to her particular
standard. Or "Oh, I already talked to the cable guy", which means
she has inadvertently blown the cover on your secret extra outlets
and black box. Worse yet is, "Oh, I talked to him about what you
did last night."

[MikeTimbers]

Just checked your bio, Tim and I see you're currently single.

Is any of the above true? Since I'm posting this from work so hopefully safe[1], of course it isn't! I have never seen behaviour like that. No woman I have ever met has ever used these phrases or words! Ever! Everybody clear?















[1] You're never safe! Remember that!

[zhotfire]

Originally posted by MikeTimbers

[1] You're never safe! Remember that!
LOL! You've got that right!
I'm waiting to see what siggy & shube have to say.... ;) :p

[zhotfire]

A different topic this time....

A Sunday Drive

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22
MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old
ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and
white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed
limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be
a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to
her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in
this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't
muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with
concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off
Route 119."

:D

[shubles]

Originally posted by zhotfire

LOL! You've got that right!
I'm waiting to see what siggy & shube have to say.... ;) :p

No... you're right
its all true.

ALL OF IT!!!!

"FINE" is my favourite one.
i always thought it meant 'im done fighting with you even though i think IM right and im going to let you off this time. shut up right now before i change my mind.'

[siggy]

Originally posted by zhotfire

LOL! You've got that right!
I'm waiting to see what siggy & shube have to say.... ;) :p

Yes, I am confirming this as well. It is right on the mark.

Course if you keep showing that you understand, woman will just change the rules/language. :D :D :D

[shubles]

Originally posted by siggy


Yes, I am confirming this as well. It is right on the mark.

Course if you keep showing that you understand, woman will just change the rules/language. :D :D :D

very true sigs

its nearly time for our monthly "language seminar" isnt it?

[siggy]

Yes it is getting to be that time. I keep the dial in number posted on a sticky, so I never miss it. :D

[shubles]

A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house yelling to her husband: "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!"
"10 million of it... Woooohooooooooo!!!"

"That's great, sweetie!", he replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

"Who cares", she replies, "Just f#*k off!"

[Bruce]

<< "What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." Tom Clancy

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy." Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex?
Me neither." Drew Carey

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless
experiences go, it's pretty damned good." Woody Allen

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand." Unknown

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney
Dangerfield

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard
for him to come out of the closet." Bill Kelly

"As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen."
Rev. Sydney Smith

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night." Woody Allen

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
Matt Barry

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the
taxidermist." Camille Paglia

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease." Unknown

"My kid had sex with your honor student." BumperSticker

"My sexual preference is not you." Tshirt

"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support
it for the rest of your life." Michael Sinz

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." Woody Allen

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant." Henry Miller

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362
admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't
love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." Lynn Lavner

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 560SL
convertible." P. J. ORourke

[MikeTimbers]

"Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman." - Woody Allen.

"Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right." - Woody Allen

"The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you." - Woody Allen

"Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love." - Woody Allen

"Sex without love is an empty gesture. But as empty gestures go, it is one of the best." - Woody Allen

[siggy]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.
So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it.

So he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, and begins giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the henhouse and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!

Kenny nails every hen in the hen house -- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again -- WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset, he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quails and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful -- and expensive -- animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.

"Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in
the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

[Bruce]

<< If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.

If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.

My advice to you is to start drinking heavily >>

[shubles]

Beer anyone???? :D

Cocktail Waitress Shue is now available to take your orders.

[zhotfire]

Originally posted by shubles
Beer anyone???? :D

Cocktail Waitress Shue is now available to take your orders.
WOOT! Oh waitress, a round of ale for the boys please! :D

[wylie]

I'll have a beer thanks miss!!
[slaps shue on butt]

:D ;) :D :p :p :eek:

[dnar]

Originally posted by wylie
I'll have a beer thanks miss!!
[slaps shue on butt]

:D ;) :D :p :p :eek:
ROFLMHAO!

[watches Nurse Shu pour beer down wylies pants]

[shubles]

Originally posted by wylie
I'll have a beer thanks miss!!
[slaps shue on butt]

:D ;) :D :p :p :eek:

nah...
...sorry!

Its too late. its bed time. bar is closed.
come back tomorow!!!!!!!!!!!

[phil]

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/phil.harling/images/intelvamd.jpg

[dnar]

hehehehehe. :D

http://members.dingoblue.net.au/~dnar/images/icons/amd_moron.gif

[siggy]

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains,she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to pig out. She ate...and ate... and then .. she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had eaten far too much and could not get off the ground. Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation she looked around and
spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just climb up that handle and jump off to become airborne she'd be able to fly again.So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there,she took a deep breath, spread her tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.... Dead Fly....
What is the moral of this sad story?

"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit."

[wylie]

Originally posted by siggy
"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit."
man....i really should make that my motto...... ;) well put sig!

[siggy]

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather...and unto the Sonnn . ......and into the hole he gooooes."

[MechCD]

:D:D:D:D ROFLMAO :D:D:D:D

[siggy]

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in Spanish, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. “House,” in Spanish Is feminine” la casa.” “Pencil,” in Spanish, is masculine “el lapis.” One puzzled student asker, “What gender is a computer?” The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her Spanish dictionary. So, for fun, she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether “computer” should be masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendations.

The men’s group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer) because;

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (el computer) because;

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that had you waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

[wylie]

For a couple of months I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying. But ....I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 18 million. 8 million are retired.
That leaves 10 million to do the work.

There are 6 million in school, which leaves 4 million to do the work.

Of this there are 1.5 million unemployed, leaving 2.5 million to do the work.

Take from that 1,180,000 people who work for government departments and that leaves 1,320,000 people to do the work.

480,000 are in the armed forces, which leaves 840,000 to do the work.

At any one time, there are 179,000 people in hospitals, leaving 661,000 people to do the work.

At the moment, there are 660,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes - No wonder I'm bloody tired!

:D

[dnar]

LOL. :D :D :D

[Nofinger]

http://home.wanadoo.nl/rj.dewinter/Stijvebezem.jpg

[Nofinger]

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

[Nofinger]

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a Virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry,
it'll be up any minute now...."

[Nofinger]

Last one for now :D
Anyone wanted a BEER :confused:

http://home.wanadoo.nl/rj.dewinter/drink.jpg

[wylie]

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
B. Your blood-test results
C. Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss Sports Center

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience
B. The second best part of the experience
C. $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No concern to you
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A Moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends"
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU."

0.A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with the intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


EVALUATING RESULTS:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you ARE a man!!

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a littleconfused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

[Bruce]

>
>Folks you may be interested in investing in this new product. Don't do it
>on my advice, however it may sell!
>
> > I'm not generally inclined to pass on unproven financial advice.
> > But yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo. He told me that they
> > are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy they
> > think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so
> > promising that I want to suggest to my friends and
> > family that they consider buying stock in the company.
> >
> > The drug is called "Gingko Viagra," and its function is to
> > help you remember what the f**k you are doing.
> >

[Bruce]

I'm new to the html stuff.

I got this joke to work, (below) but I'd rather have put the text directly in the post. Mabye one of you webmasters can tell me how I can display the gif in the post. (This is my first ever web page.) i.e.- what URL do I put in the IMG function so the image shows here?


Ten things men know for sure about women (http://members.telocity.com/~b_borden/joke.html)

[Nofinger]

Originally posted by Bruce
Mabye one of you webmasters can tell me how I can display the gif in the post. (This is my first ever web page.) i.e.- what URL do I put in the IMG function so the image shows here?]

In this case: http://members.telocity.com/~b_borden/Breasts.gif
in all other cases the url of the location of the file + file name


(Test Edit)

[siggy]

The Princess
>
>The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously
>gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he
>served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came
>swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey
>has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane
>shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that
>would be super."
>
>On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather
>exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't
>hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your
>trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
>
>She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
>Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant
>replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country,
>I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
>
>Put the tray up, Bitch"

[siggy]

A young man wanted to get his wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day she goes shopping. Her phone rings and it’s her husband.
“Hi hun,” he says “How do you like your new phone?” She replies “I just love it, its so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though”
“What’s that, hun?” asks the husband.
“How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”

[Bruce]

I don't go in much for "marine" jokes, but I've got to admit, this one makes the humor list.

----------------

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One U.S. Marine is better than ten Taliban." The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One U.S. Marine is better than one hundred Taliban." Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Marine voice calls our again..."One U.S. Marine is better than one thousand Taliban." The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually, one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander......."Don't send any more men, it is a trap. There are actually two marines."

[Bruce]

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: Naive

...Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

...If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

...There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

...If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

...If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

...Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

...Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

...If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

...If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

...When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

...Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

...Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

...When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

...Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

...Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

...Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

...Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

..."I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

...If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed.

...Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

...What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

...I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

...Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

...If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

...You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

...No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

...Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

...If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

...Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[verT]

You forgot;

What colour does a smurf turn when you choke it

[MechCD]

purple :D

Some of those make ya wonder.. I really like the delighted electrician one:reindeer:

[verT]

If peanut oil comes from peanuts and sesame oil comes from sesame seeds and olive oil comes from olives (any one see where this is going:rolleyes: ) does baby oil comes from babies?

How do you get Teflon to stick to the pan?

[zhotfire]

... they just take an accurate estimate....

[dnar]

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all ...

... And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Australia great, (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AUSTRALIA" in the Western Hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms.

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

[TDKozan]

By Roger Zelazny, from _Creatures of Light and Darkness_

Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.

[MikeTimbers]

Dnar,

Since when has Australia been in the "Western Hemisphere". I'm sure I would have noticed! :)

[Bruce]

I've heard you can never get two attorneys to agree about anything. :rolleyes:

My attorney, as would be expected, drafted a similar greeting which completely avoided the issue of whether the USA is in the Western Hemisphere (which it, most certainly, is) but decided we shouldn't imply we support certain "festive figures" commonly associated with the season.


SEASONAL GREETINGS

from The Law Office of Gary D. Caster

From us ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee")



Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others,
or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all... and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2001, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race,
creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice o f computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:

* This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal * This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged. * This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes. * This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor. * This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. * The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor * Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

[TDKozan]

http://www.thispagecannotbedisplayed.com/imagirl.html

And the rest of the site at http://www.thispagecannotbedisplayed.com

TK ;>

[Bruce]

First the Lord made MAN in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's
needing"

After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a GIRL.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth....


And ruined the whole damn thing.

[shubles]

LOL

[shubles]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one
of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third -grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in
and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her,
"I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubble gum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down
and a dog do on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?
Harry: Fire truck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[MikeTimbers]

LOL

Although Harry is obviously intelligent enough to be in 3rd grade, he is also clearly too inexperienced to be in 3rd grade. If he had been through all of 1st and 2nd grades, I bet his answers would have been the same as the Principal's!

[wylie]

shue you are one warped individual.....gotta love that in a gal! :)

[Bruce]

I'll post this here . . . not because of it's sexual content, but because I'm sure
almost anybody can find something offensive in it, if they look . . . and Dnar
did warn us in the first post.



A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your
neighbor. Then you covet it.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to
your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his.

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you
to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then
take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel
righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you
with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the
milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage which
ultimately blows up the cows.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and
build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to
the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who
has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them
both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the
milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to
yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the
milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an
announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock
goes up.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of
their class at cow school.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all
blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also
demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life
is good.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You have some vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42
cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting
cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in
the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you
really have.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You
charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.

A TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
At night when no one is looking, you have sex with both of them. Then you
kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

A POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Several people are killed while
attempting to milk them.

A FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes
for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best
vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for
neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch
of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one.

NEW YORK STATE: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one
will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

[shubles]

Originally posted by Bruce
I'll post this here . . . not because of it's sexual content, but because I'm sure
almost anybody can find something offensive in it, if they look . . . and Dnar
did warn us in the first post.




and I'M the warped individual???????? :rolleyes:

sheesh

[Makatiel]

Haha.. You have gotta go check this out.. Gave me a nice little laugh.. Got it off the forum at EO...

http://www.poblano.com/

[zhotfire]

Stick a fork in your ram? ROFLMAO!! :D

[Makatiel]

No I'm not your personal Microsoft hotline, and when I go to your place for dinner, please dont ask me if I could "Just take a look at something" you've been having trouble with.

Haha.. That is my favorite part.. I think this sounds like somthing that I would actually say..

[verT]

Well the wife is telling me I need to take an interest in the little guys education and buy him a book. I've narrowed it down to 28 titles;

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Dogs Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

[shubles]

Originally posted by verT
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched


Where can i get a copy??????? :cool:

[siggy]

The Top FORTY Things You Will NEVER Hear A Southern Boy Say:

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

And, Number ONE is:
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight

[siggy]

> Life Reflections by George Carlin
>
> 1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves
> your groin unprotected.
>
> 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no
> pain, no pain.
>
> 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
>
> 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why
> Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
>
> 5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of
> alphabet soup?
>
> 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should
> have been more specific.
>
> 7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he
> gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he
> sticks his head out the window?
>
> 8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is
> an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
>
> 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started
> walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97
> now and we have no idea where she is.
>
> 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When
> I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter
> how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
> they are always locking three of them.
>
> 11. One out of every three Americans is suffering
> from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your
> best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
>
> 12. They show you how detergents take out
> bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains
> all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
>
> 13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their
> walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful
> animals I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have
> photographs of her on the wall.
>
> 14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at
> my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was
> murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there
> were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
>
> 15. Future historians will be able to study at the
> Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library,
> the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton
> Adult Bookstore.

[siggy]

She-Devil

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson, so she dresses up like Satan and hides in the dark to scare him when he gets home.
So the man comes home and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, "You don't scare me I am married to your sister!"

[siggy]

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[siggy]

Squeaky Clean

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''

[siggy]

Moon Talking

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

Armstrong explained, “When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

[Bruce]

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do".

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."

Pepsi also disclosed that the current product "Mountain Dew" would be discontinued when current supplies are exhausted.

[Bruce]

HERE'S YOUR HISTORY LESSON FOR TODAY:

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but prevent them from rolling about the deck. The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of thirty cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem: how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate called a, "Monkey," with sixteen round indentations. But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make, "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too low, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."

> > But I'm sure that's how you've always interpreted the expression.

[zhotfire]

:) Thanks Bruce, i needed that! :D

[siggy]

Courtesy of EOC, for those of you that have not visited yet....

EOC (http://www.overclockersforum.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1478)

Little old lady
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her and asked, "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "Oh, $20,000 a week." "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"

"Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."

[Bruce]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[LBaker]

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America.

Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Attached is the first picture available of this world's first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


http://home.adelphia.net/~lbaker12/!cid_004801c1a49c$60763ea0$e00e7fd8@computer.jpg

[siggy]

very funny LB. :D

[Makatiel]

Damn.. Link to the pic appears to be broken..

[LBaker]

Originally posted by Makatiel
Damn.. Link to the pic appears to be broken..

Yes, I can't get at any of my space at the moment. Adelphia for ya :rolleyes:

[Nofinger]

Originally posted by LBaker

http://home.adelphia.net/~lbaker12/!cid_004801c1a49c$60763ea0$e00e7fd8@computer.jpg

say Siggy, isn't that red one yours :D

[shubles]

http://members.dingoblue.net.au/~susanpwright/carpark.jpg

This was me on my last visit.

You know how hard it was to fit that car between those other two?????? :rolleyes:

Don't think i'll ever park there again.

Nothing but maniac drivers there... :banghead:

[siggy]

Nofinger, My car is the dark blue one thats actually parked right. Upper right corner. :p :p

[Nofinger]

Originally posted by siggy
Nofinger, My car is the dark blue one thats actually parked right. Upper right corner. :p :p

So you were the first one on the parking lot :rolleyes:

[siggy]

Originally posted by Nofinger


So you were the first one on the parking lot :rolleyes:

Yes, and appearently I was the only sane one :p :D

[Nofinger]

Originally posted by siggy


Yes, and appearently I was the only sane one :p :D

So you have gotten the results of your mental checkup back :rolleyes:

[siggy]

Originally posted by Nofinger


So you have gotten the results of your mental checkup back :rolleyes:


Yes Mentally Im sound, its the emotions that are the problem

:sad: :sad: :sad:

[Makatiel]

Well, I dont know about the only sane one, there just wasn't anybody in your way when you pulled in.. ;)

[Nofinger]

Originally posted by siggy

Yes Mentally Im sound, its the emotions that are the problem

:sad: :sad: :sad:

You know that if you'll need a shoulder to :sad: on, you'll can give a shout and there will be always someone around here to :hugz: you.


:hugz: :hugz:

[Nofinger]

If Operating Systems were Airlines

DOS AIR
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.

WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.

MAC AIRWAYS
The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

OS/2 SKYWAYS
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walks around, apologizing profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.

FLY WINDOWS NT
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

WINGS of OS/400
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have Support Line, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.

MVS AIRLINES
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realize that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors!

UNIX EXPRESS
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircrafts, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

[Nofinger]

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
__________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________________________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________

17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.
__________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1 week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.

[Makatiel]

Haha.. I printed that out and am going to bring a copy of it to work with me...

[Nofinger]

Take a look HERE (http://home.wanadoo.nl/p.baarda/Funny%20Files/death.htm) if you really want too :rolleyes:

I only can say Go with the Flow :D

[MikeTimbers]

:banghead:

[Nofinger]

Originally posted by MikeTimbers
:banghead:

See you like it Mike :D

[siggy]

ok now my finger hurts......too much clicking in such a short period of time.:D

[siggy]

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

[Makatiel]

Here's an old one that I just found again..

Over the last five years the N.T.S.B. has been covertly funding a project with U.S. Auto makers whereby the auto makers have been installing "black boxes" in all four wheel drive pick up trucks they have manufactured.

This was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.They were surprised in 42 of the 50 states the last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were, "OH SHIT!"

Only the states of Arkansas, West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were, "Hold my beer and watch this."

[siggy]

REAL STORIES OF THE NON-TECHNICALLY INCLINED

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

[siggy]

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

[Nofinger]

Can someone tell me where the black spot is :confused:

http://home.wanadoo.nl/rj.dewinter/zwarte-stippen.jpg

[Makatiel]

Oooo.. Nifty illusion... Really messes with my eyes..

[Nofinger]

It someting for the Girls ;)

If they look long enough they dont need to lie about a headache :D

[siggy]

I never lie about my headaches. :D

[phil]

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt." She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.

Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"

Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.

Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."

"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"

Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.

"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.

"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.

"Yes."

"Do farts have lumps?"

"No. Why do you ask."

"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."

[Nofinger]

Originally posted by siggy
I never lie about my headaches. :D

I trust You Siggy, But I meant all the other Girls ;) :D

[Makatiel]

I dont need funny dots to give me headaches.. I unfortunately get em for no reason.. I have good meds for when I get a really bad one though.

[siggy]

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first.


He found himself halfway down the hallway.

[shubles]

Originally posted by Nofinger


I trust You Siggy, But I meant all the other Girls ;) :D

i dont lie about my headaches either

[shubles]

Originally posted by Makatiel
I dont need funny dots to give me headaches.. I unfortunately get em for no reason.. I have good meds for when I get a really bad one though.

alright...
somebody PLEASE tell me before i go insane???? :banghead:

what are meds???? :confused:

coz they're obviously not what we call meds.....

[siggy]

Originally posted by shubles


alright...
somebody PLEASE tell me before i go insane???? :banghead:

what are meds???? :confused:

coz they're obviously not what we call meds.....

Meds are short for medication. Im sure he did not mean meds like you mean :D :D :D

But maybe it is time to intoduce Makatiel to the Aussie ways. :D

[Nofinger]

Originally posted by shubles

i dont lie about my headaches either

Sorry Shu, I trust you just as much as Siggy on this subject :rolleyes: :D

:startsrunningfasttohaveaadvantageforwhenSiggyandS hureadthispost:

[Makatiel]

Yea.. Medication.. Good drugs. Haha.. Now I am almost afraid to ask, but what in the world does meds mean to you all?

[phil]

Originally posted by Makatiel
Yea.. Medication.. Good drugs. Haha.. Now I am almost afraid to ask, but what in the world does meds mean to you all?


An Aussie Tampon brand I think :eek:

[Makatiel]

LOL.. Damn.. I'm going to have to remember that for later.. Gotta love that..

[siggy]

Originally posted by phil



An Aussie Tampon brand I think :eek:


Ding Ding Ding...you are correct.

So anytime you mention that word, our Aussie members split a gut laughing so hard :p :p

[Makatiel]

Haha.. Well, imagine that.. Hmm.. Well, I do have some good meds.. er.. Medication. For my headaches.. They knock me for one hell of a loop too..

[shubles]

Originally posted by phil



An Aussie Tampon brand I think :eek:

not just an aussie brand...

one of the very first aussie brands.

so one would refer to all as Meds, despite the brand name.
:D

[siggy]

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the
sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do
we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he
knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the
saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing
sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash
his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest
speaking and there is no woman around to hear
him... is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call
what they do practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered
animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has
the right to remain silent?

[siggy]

1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
3. How is it possible to have a civil war?
4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
5. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
6. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
7. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to
have a "S" in it?
8. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids"
instead of "assteroids"?
9. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
10. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it
because of that song?
11. If the "black box" flight recorder is never
damaged during a plane crash,
why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
12. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
13. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three
times, does he become disoriented?

[phil]

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/phil.harling/images/beaver.jpg

[Nofinger]

:D :D :D :D :D

[Makatiel]

LOL..

Remind me to E-Mail that one to the guys off my last ship.. They need a good laugh.

[Nofinger]

A DOG NAMED SEX

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

[Nofinger]

JOB APPLICATION FORM

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[Makatiel]

Haha.. That one is great.. Got that job application printed out and will bring it into work tommorow for everyone to see..

[siggy]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh, killing any?"
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

[siggy]

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a getter grade than you."

[siggy]

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

[Azzuron]

Originally posted by phil
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/phil.harling/images/beaver.jpg

Phil! Think of all the little kids. :eek: