got jokes?

[fizler]

A husband and wife were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small
children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.)
The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice, "washing
machine." The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired and she
said, "Not tonight, dear; I'm tired." He rolled away.
Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated "Honey, washing
machine." She said, "I've got a headache."

He rolled away again. Ten minutes later, the wife, feeling guilty, turned to
her husband and said, "OK, washing machine."

He replied. "That's OK. It was a small load and I did it by hand

-------------------
more to come when i find them!:D

[fizler]

**The Top Ten Least Popular Valentine's Day Cards**

10) Thinking of you sweetheart, which, technically, the court order can't
prevent.

9) Just wanted to say "I love you" when I wasn't falling down drunk.

8) If only we weren't so closely related!

7) Even though I'm a Bosnian Serb, You're my favorite Croat Muslim!

6) I'm too shy to ask in person, but what is that thing on your face? A
mole, a wart? WHAT????

5) You're too beautiful to resist, my under-the-ether dental patient

4) I'm more than half interested in you, my hermaphroditic darling

3) The Medicated Shampoo Took Care of It.

2) I'm Glad the Arkansas State Troopers Brought You to My Hotel Room,
Valentine

1) I'll Give You Money To Have Sex With Me.

[fizler]

Drug officials today announced the release of the wonder drug, Viagra,
in a new, easy to take liquid form.

It is sold under the generic name "Mydixadud." Now, when men come home
from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one.

[TDKozan]

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble
deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in
Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some
discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian
food was really good.
So, off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of
the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes
later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the
vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry
and
tossed the remaining bodies into the canal
below.
The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have
seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered
the same fate as the first ... sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.
Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while
a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples,
these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.
The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was
time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear some
singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they
listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over
the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on
the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang:
Scroll down ...




Down more





Here it comes ...





Little further...












"Drained wops keep fallin' on my head ..."

[TDKozan]

Legal Ethics

A lawyer is speaking seriously to his son on the subject of "ethics".

"Suppose son," says the lawyer, "that one day a gentleman comes
into my office with a simple question. Upon answering the man's
question, I charge him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such
a simple question but agrees to pay."

"Okay." Says the son, acknowledging that he's following along
with the story.

His dad continues - "The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a
hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand. Upon his
leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me two $100.00 bills..."

"Okay." Says the son.

"Now the ethical question," states the dad -
"Do I share that money with my partner?"

[fizler]

"Now the ethical question," states the dad -
"Do I share that money with my partner?"

LOL, the funny thing is, i can see some lawyer doing that :)

[papeniglio]

OK, I try to translate it from italian .... Hope you can understand ! :)

An italian society and a japanese one state to have an annual canoa race with an 8-man staff. They train the teams very well and when the race day comes both teams are at their best level of performance. But the japanese team wins with a huge advantage. Immediately the Top Management of the italian society forms a Research Group to investigate the reason of the defeat. After many hours of deep analysis, the Research Group finds that the japanese staff has seven men rowing and one giving directions, while the italian team has seven men giving directions and one rowing. In this situation of heavy crysis, the Top Management gives a sign of its great managing capabilities and engages a Consulting Society in order to solve the problem and give a new structure to the italian team. After several months of study, the experts state that there are too many guys giving directions. So a new structure for the team is defined: four men giving directions, two coordinators, one chief coordinator and one rowing. It is also necessary to deeply motivate the rowing one giving him more responsibility and a wider range of action! The year after comes, and the italian team looses the race denoting a huge inferiority. The Top Management dismisses the rowing man and gives a bonus to the coordinators for their effort in the race. The Consulting Society carries out another study and states that the team structure is correct, but the material used has to be enhanced....
Today the italian society is looking for a new canoa!!!! :D :D :D


GeeK! (Don't blame me for my english)

[Chas]

It makes sense to me,
better then if i tried to translate a joke into Italian.......

[papeniglio]

Oh, that's really easy: send me the english version and I translate it !!! :D :D :D

I know, I'm quite mad :p , but I'm working in front of this monitor since 6:30 am (now it's about 4:40 pm in Italy) and my brain starts to overheat !!!!! ;)

GeeK!

[siggy]

> Is Windows A Virus?
>
> No, Windows is not a virus. This is obvious when
> you compare what viruses do to what Windows does.
>
> 1. They replicate quickly - pretty soon they infest
> almost every system everyplace.
> Well, Windows does that too.
>
> 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources,
> slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows
> does that.
>
> 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard
> disk - okay, Windows does that too.
> _____
> 4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user,
> along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh...
> Windows does that too.
>
> 5. Viruses will occasionally make the the user
> suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user
> will buy new hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too.
>
> BUT
>
> 6. Viruses are well supported by their authors,
> will run on almost any system, their program code is
> fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become
> more sophisticated as they mature.
>
> Ergo, Windows is not a virus.
>
> It's a bug.

[shubles]

that one should cheer you up dnar
:D

[Nofinger]

:D LOL:D

[dnar]

http://members.iinet.net.au/~dnar/images/icons/3dbiggrin5.gif

[siggy]

That is at least 20 demerits.

[siggy]

The European Union's head commissioners announced today that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language standard for European communications -- rather than German, which was the other option. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish ("Euro" for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased
with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

[Dave S]

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more f#cked up than you think. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones who do. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned to say "f#ck'em" if they can't take a joke"...

[siggy]

Ouch!