Men are like......

[siggy]

Men are like Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you

Men are like Bananas.
The older they Get, the less firm they are.

Men are like Vacations
They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like Bank Machines
Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like Weather.
Nothing can be done to change them..

Men are like Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your
hips.

Men are like Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all
night long.

Men are like Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like Department Stores.
Their clothes are always half off.

Men are like Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like Snowstorms.
You never know when they're coming, how many inches
you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at but not very bright..

Men are like Parking spots.
All the good one's are taken and the rest are
handicapped

[Lazarus]

originally posted by siggy

Men are like Snowstorms.
You never know when they're coming, how many inches
you'll get or how long it will last.




:rofl:

[dnar]

Very funny (NOT) :mad:

These three women are out lunching one day and talking about men, the 1st women says "my husband is like a Rolls Royce, build for comfort and looks". The 2nd says "my hubby is like a Jaguar, built for speed and fun". The 3rd says "Mine is like a Triumph bike, you have to hand start him then jump on"

[Lazarus]

Originally posted by dnar
Very funny (NOT) :mad:



Easy m8ee, if you don't take offense then they'll never know how deep these jokes hit us, that'll rob 'em of their fun, then they'll stop posting 'em. ;) (ps, it's a secret, so don't tell 'em - pass it on)

[Yo_Mama]

Actually, most of those are pretty true! ;)

[Lazarus]

Sadly, I must concur. ;)

[siggy]

A WOMAN'S FACTS ABOUT MEN

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is
involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible.
In a world where there are more women than men, it pays
to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so
confident that when he watches sports on television, he
thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If
the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our
living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to
get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them
feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the
morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their
psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with
one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners.
These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our
relationship." These seven words strike fear in the
heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has
built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will
take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women
have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have
two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If
your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping
next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men.
I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my
God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's
another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's
department is usually on the first floor of a department
store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad
contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr.
Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c)
visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.
The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and
butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant
is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about
sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk
about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever
seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I
emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are
outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he
didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't
die. He just didn't want to call you.

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity
is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you
again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get
rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to
marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes
they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up
identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-
images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female
menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get
hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young
girls and drive motorcycles.

26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

27. That's why men need instant replays in sports.
They've already forgotten what happened.

Woman Author Unknown.

[Billy_Bat]

Originally posted by siggy
26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

27. That's why men need instant replays in sports.
They've already forgotten what happened.


Amen to that! If anyone tells me something to remember, I send them to Sarah, otherwise there is no guarantee that I will even remember talking to them!
Good One, Siggy! :hugz:

[Bruce]

Originally posted by siggy
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad
contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.


Sorry, guys, but "bag salad" still counts as only one.:D :D :D

[siggy]

Classes for men at our local Learning Center:

NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty of their
contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8
participants.

Topic 1 - How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays. Step by
step, with slide presentation.

Topic 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow On The
Holders? Roundtable discussion.

Topic 3 - Is It Possible To Urinate Using The
Technique Of Lifting The Seat Up And Avoiding The
Floor/Walls And Nearby Bathtub? Group practice.

Topic 4 - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry
Hamper And The Floor. Pictures and explanatory
graphics.

Topic 5 - The After-Dinner Dishes And Silverware: Can
They Levitate And Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples
on video.

Topic 6 - Loss Of Identity: Losing The Remote To Your
Significant Other. Helpline support and support
groups.

Topic 7 - Learning How To Find Things, Starting With
Looking In The Right Place Instead Of Turning The
House Upside Down While Screaming. Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not
Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost. Real
life testimonials.

Topic 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly
As She Parallel Parks. Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning To Live: Basic Differences Between
Mother And Wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation. Exercises, meditation and breathing
techniques.

Topic 13 - How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering
Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates
Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

**Upon Completion Of The Course Diplomas Will Be
Issued To The Survivors.

[Hans Arne Iversen]

Originally posted by siggy

Topic 12 - How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation. Exercises, meditation and breathing
techniques.



I think I will take this one. I can't stad shopping. I just take what I want and then I leave.
Beeing in a shop for 1/2 hour gives me the creeps:rofl:

[Hans Arne Iversen]

Top 10 Benefits of Being A Woman


1 Women got off the Titanic first.
2Women can scare bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Women can be groupies. Men groupies are called "stalkers."
4 Women can cry and get off speeding tickets.
5 Taxis stop for women.
6 Free dinners, free drinks, free movies. Do the math.
7 A new lipstick can give a woman a whole new lease on life.
8 No one has to know if a woman forgets to shave.
9 Women can congratulate their teammates without ever touching their rear.
10Women never regret piercing their ears.

[siggy]

Women's revenge

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?

Q. When would you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.

[siggy]

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The
girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna
play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your
thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I
have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be
the husband."

[siggy]

Another for you...
Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of
the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free
in return for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and
says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double
my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done."

Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly
and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the
mermaid, "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done."

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical
solutions to problems that have been stumping all the
scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his
friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ."

The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't
usually try to change people's minds when they make a
wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider."

The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times
five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't understand what
you're asking, it will change your entire view on the
universe. Won't you ask for something else...a million
dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on
having his IQ increased by five times its usual power.
So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."

And he became a woman.

[Lazarus]

Up to your usual standard, Siggy - or should that be down. ;) :D

[MechCD]

Originally posted by siggy
Another for you...

Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly
and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the
mermaid, "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done."



I wouldn't say reciting Shakespeare requires a high IQ, and analysing it doesn't mean your smart, it means you have too much time on your hands that could be spent doing something more useful....

[Hans Arne Iversen]

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, men will screw anything.

[Lazarus]

Originally posted by Hans Arne Iversen
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, men will screw anything.

Please Hans, get it right, men will screw anything in a skirt!!!

(& you gotta admit - a lampshade LOOKS like a skirt. ;) )

[Michelle]

Ain't it the truth, lol.

[Lazarus]

Originally posted by Michelle
Ain't it the truth, lol.

That a lampshade looks like a skirt? Of course. ;)

[zhotfire]

Originally posted by Lazarus


Please Hans, get it right, men will screw anything in a skirt!!!

(& you gotta admit - a lampshade LOOKS like a skirt. ;) )
Yeah, but it burns like hell! :o :D

[Lazarus]

Uh, I wouldn't know m8ee

[siggy]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she
became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought
before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if
she had anything to say to defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor, " she replied cooly, " I figured that
at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could
fly, too!"

[siggy]

On a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a
busy intersection. As traffic began to pile up in all
directions, a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt
down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd,
pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, honey. I've
had a course in first aid."

She stood up and watched as he took the man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration. Then she
tapped him on the shoulder.

"When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she
said, "I'm already here."

[siggy]

Siggy's turkey stuffing
10-14lbs.turkey
4 cups bread crumbs
2 eggs
1 teasp. salt
1/2cups diced ceery
1/2 cps diced celery
1 onion chopped
1 cup uncooked popcorn

mix ingredients & stuff turkey, bake at 325 % for 4 hrs.
After 4 hrs, get the hell out of the kitchen because
the popcorn will blow the ass right off the turkey.

[siggy]

MALE APPLICATION TO GO OUT/RETURN LATE

NAME…………………………………………………………………
I request permission for a leave of absence from my home
duties for the following period:
DATE:………….. Time of departure:…………….. Time of return:
………..

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to
only visit locations stated below. Nor shall I speak to
another female other than those listed without gaining
oral permission to do so from my better half. Nor shall
I consume above the allocated volume of alcohol without
first phoning for a taxi or ordering a tandori . I
understand that even if permission is granted my
wife/girlfriend retains the right to be miffed with me
the following day for no valid reason what so ever.

Amount of alcohol allowed (units)………………………………………………………

Locations likely to be visited
………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………

Females likely to be encountered ………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………

Strength of curry permitted
………………………………………………………

……………………………………………………...

……………………………………………………...

I am a low life. I know who wears the trousers in our
home, and it ain’t me. I promise to abide by your rules
and regulations. I understand that is going to cost me a
fortune in Cadburys roses and flowers. You deserve the
right to obtain and use my credit cards in my absence. I
hereby promise not to sleep overnight on a park bench
next to a tramp. On my way home, I will not pick a fight
with a person who only exists in my inebriated mind. Nor
shall I conduct in depth discussions with said entity.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I
have none) the above information is correct
Signed:……………………………………….


Request is APPOVED/TURNED DOWN
This decision is not open to negotiation other than on
my terms:
…………………………………………………………………………………………………

Permission for my Husband/Boyfriend to be away for the
period

Date…………….
Time of departure ……………….
Time of return ………………..

Signed: ………………………….

[Lazarus]

:rofl:mao

[Lazarus]

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and man was a complete mess
after that.

[Lazarus]

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

HE DOES NOT HAVE A BEER GUT-
HE HAS A LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY

He is not a BAD DANCER -
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME -
He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING -
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS -
He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG -
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT -
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

[siggy]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK
She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE
She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK
She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She is not HALF NAKED
She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.

She is not CONCEITED
She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED
She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT
She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT
She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY
She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE
She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS
She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME
She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not have THIN LIPS
She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT

She does not GO SHOPPING
She is MALL FLUENT

She is not an AIRHEAD
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY
She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP
She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS
She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.

She does not NAG YOU
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

[Lazarus]

One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting
around the table eating supper.

The little girl said, "Daddy, you're the boss, aren't you?"
Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and said "yes".

The little girl continued "That's because Mummy put you in charge, right?"

[siggy]

:rofl: Well that gave me a good laugh :hugz:

[Lazarus]

I'm glad of that. :D ;) :hugz:

[Lazarus]

Man walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?"

The man replies very sarcastically "Yeah, how did you guess?"

She replies "because you're ugly."

[siggy]

A couple are lying in bed.

The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest
woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you."
__________________________________________________


A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his
butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the
baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until
the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and
one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat
each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16
tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a
smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when
you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last
free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her
face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher
and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and
free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the
expression on HIS face!"
__________________________________________________


A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day,
sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.
The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and
rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch
at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar
in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As
the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream
and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she
can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to
pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the
extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down
and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom
because both her hands are full. After she has served
the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man
and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your
coffee?"
The man says, "Two's fine."

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and
drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.

The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You
wouldn't dare!"

[siggy]

THE BASICS ON MEN:

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in
diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Shut the
door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able
to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to
be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never
mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different
faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the
opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they
are too old for it.
10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental
hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert
for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask
for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in,
tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember, in a man's mind, a sense of humor does not
mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at
his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

[Lazarus]

Surgeon went to check on his post-op patient. She was
awake, so he examned her. She asked:"How long will it
be before I can have a normal sex life?"

Surgeon paused, which alarmed the girl. She said:" I
will be alright, won't I?"

"Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one else has
asked me that after a tonsillectomy, Miss Lewinsky."

[Lazarus]

"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I
always get better with age. The next day, she locked me
in the wine cellar."

[siggy]

*siggy Giggles* ;)

[siggy]

One summer, the company Dave worked for transferred him
to another city, and Dave was told that he had to take
a new physical with the company doctor.

All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked
that Dave had the smallest dick he'd ever seen. "Do
you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the
doc asked.

"Shit, no," Dave said. "I've got a wife, three kids,
and a great sex life. But I do sometimes have a
problem finding it in the daytime."

"What about at night?" the doc asked.

"Nights are no problem," Dave said. "'cause there's
two of us looking for it then."

[siggy]

If men got pregnant...

Morning sickness would rank as the nations #1 health problem.

Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

They would serve beer instead of coffee at ante-natal
classes.

Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.

[siggy]

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You
know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.

Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings
and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're
ready to go on the trucks."

"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house
the same way. "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip
naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.
When I say Bell 3, we're going to do it all night."

The next night the fireman came home from work and
yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her
clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell
3," and they began to do it.

After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"

"What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks.

"Reel out more hose or move the truck up closer" she
replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

[siggy]

QUESTION: Why are men so smart during sex?
ANSWER: 'Cause they are plugged into a genius!

[Lazarus]

ROFL, Sigs, way to go (& way to bump up your post count. ;) )

[siggy]

Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was
beginning to display a nasty side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he
whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure
look like you could use the money, but I don't have an
extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes
you think I charge by the inch?

[siggy]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT SOUNDS DIRTY IN LAW BUT
ISN'T:

1. Think you can get me off?

[siggy]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a
female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck
causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid
hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough
that he hung his arm out his window (gave an obscene
gesture) and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I
ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner
whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and
here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's
96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is
bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an
8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am
not in, that means I pass something like a new car every
40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32
miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or
31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is
not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another
4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like
36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of
these are driven by females, that's 18,000.
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22%
of all females have seriously considered suicide or
homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of
all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at
least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men
are her biggest problem has seriously considered suicide
or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off??.............I think not.

[siggy]

Originally posted by Lazarus
ROFL, Sigs, way to go (& way to bump up your post count. ;) )

Innocent little ol' me, bumping up my post count? ;)

[Lazarus]

Originally posted by siggy


Innocent little ol' me, bumping up my post count? ;)

As if you'd need to. :D ;)

[siggy]

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
___________________________________________

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will
make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all
over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

[Lazarus]

They're mean. :p ;)

(but funny too. :D )

[siggy]

Jill: My ex thought he was "king of the castle."

Mary: Oh, yeah? Did you show him the error of his ways?

Jill: Yep! I used logic.

Mary: Tell me about it!

Jill: I just looked at him and said, "A king is a ruler.
A ruler is twelve inches. Do you still think you're the king?"

[siggy]

Tammy and Doug were playing with their new puppy, and Doug
commented that it was strange that an unrelated species would
come into their home, love us, play with us, work for us, and we
would give them food and love in return.

Without hesitation, Tammy looked at him and said,
"I feel the same way about men."

[Lazarus]

NOW what have we done? ;) :p :D

[siggy]

Nothing more than usual Lazarus :p :hugz:

[Lazarus]

That bad, eh? ;)

[siggy]

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

[Lazarus]

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.


Oooooooooh - nasty. ;)

[siggy]

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong;
One who's "willy" is thick and long.

One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.

One who pulls out my chair, opens my door,
Massages my back, begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Knows just what to say when I ask, "Do I have too big a behind?"

One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin',
In the shower, the hall, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempts to screw my best friend.

I pray for all this as I kneel by my bed,
and look at the Shithead you sent me instead!

Amen.

[siggy]

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her
new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it
breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She
goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer
answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke
down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night
until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "You can stay here, but I don't
want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing
behind the farmer. She judges them to be in their early twenties.
"Okay," she says.
After they had gone to bed for the night, the woman begins to
get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room
next to her. So, she quietly goes into their room and
says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of
the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant,
so you have to wear these rubbers," She puts them on the boys,
and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front
porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here
about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke. "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke. "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed. "Let's take these things off."

[Lazarus]

:rofl: Excellent Sigs. :D ;)

[siggy]

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks and the
man was always after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he
said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging said, "I really enjoy a
good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked and he replied that he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So,
What's your excuse?"

[siggy]

Mary: I can't believe how boring my life has become.

Jill: What do you mean?

Mary: The only time I hear myself say, "I'm coming"
is when I'm trying to tell my cat I'm getting his food
ready!

[siggy]

Aggravated wife to husband who's hiding behind the newspaper:

"You can stop saying, 'Uh-huh.' I stopped talking an hour ago."

[Bruce]

Originally posted by siggy
. . . I stopped talking an hour ago."


Naaaa.

[Lazarus]

So what, smoking stunts your growth - I don't have a growth, but if I did - I'd want it stunted. ;) :p

[Lazarus]

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then He said to Himself, "There's something he's needing."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then He added a MOUTH & ruined the whole bloody thing.

[siggy]

I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love, " the husband
told the counsellor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all, " the dejected man replied. "She meets me at
the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are
always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always
neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even
lets me choose the television shows we watch and she
never objects to kinky sex, or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive, " the husband
ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she
puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die,
you son of a bitch!'"

[Lazarus]

Siggy I am truly shocked. ;)

[Billy_Bat]

I thought it was pretty damn funny!
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Lazarus]

Originally posted by Billy_Bat
I thought it was pretty damn funny!
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Weeeeeeeelllll, so did I too - but I'm still somewhat shocked. ;)

[siggy]

All men are animals. Some just make better pets
___________________________________________

I told my husband I would be in the bathroom. I had no sooner sat
down when a roll of thunder rumbled through. My husband yelled
out, "'Geeze honey, keep it down. The neighbors heard that one."
__________________________________________________
____

It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the
planet has deteriorated.
__________________________________________________

[Lazarus]

...The neighbors heard that one.

Sounds familiar. ;)

[siggy]

After just one year of marriage, Jill filed for divorce. A
friend, trying to console her said that you never know what a
man's like until you live with him. "I should have left him right
after the honeymoon. Not only did he not take me to Niagara Falls
like he promised -- all we did was drive through a car wash a
couple of times, real slow."

[Lazarus]

I can't see her problem - it's all falling water after all. ;) :p :D

[siggy]

Two husbands were discussing their married lives.

Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments
sometimes.

Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to
always have the last word."

"Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?"

"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "

[Lazarus]

Nah - normally you'd then get, "& don't you forget it!!!". :rolleyes: :p

[siggy]

During a staff meeting one time, a really pert and pretty female
engineer told the manager of the division, "I'd like to get
something off my chest."

"What's that?" he asked.

"Your eyes!" she replied.

[siggy]

QUESTION: What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
ANSWER: Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.
__________________________________________________

Sometimes I wake up grumpy.......Other times I let him sleep.

[Lazarus]

Originally posted by siggy
During a staff meeting one time, a really pert and pretty female
engineer told the manager of the division, "I'd like to get
something off my chest."

"What's that?" he asked.

"Your eyes!" she replied.

Admit it Sigs - it wuz YOU wuzn't it? ;)

[siggy]

Mary: Well, I've never known anyone so forward! This
perfect stranger just walked up to me at the party and
asked, "How would you like some mind-blowing,
earth-shaking, window-shattering sex?"

Jill: I can't believe it!

Mary: Neither could I! When I told him, "No,
thanks!" he just added, "Well, would you mind lying
down so that I could have some?"
_____________________________________________

When I was very young and naive I was fishing with my
husband on a cold windy river bank. He was talking to
another fisherman who had also braved the cold and wind.

I was a smoker, and couldn't seem to keep a match
burning long enough to get a cigarette lit.

I said, "Honey, break wind for me, will you?"

Both men collapsed in laughter, and I had to wait till
I got home to find out what was so funny.
_____________________________________________

Bosses are like legs.
When they get to the top, they become asses.
____________________________________________

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he
called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on
the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him
apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that
should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate
machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening,
at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his
head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever
received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that
read, "Manicures--25 cents." "Why not," thought the salesman.
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled
them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine
Provides What Men Need Most When Away From Their Wives." (Cost--
50 cents) The salesman was embarassed and looked both ways.
Seeing nobody around he put his fifty cents in the machine, then
unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening--with
great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two
weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of
agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling
hands, the salesman was able to with draw his penis, which now had
a button sewed on the tip.

[Lazarus]

Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling
hands, the salesman was able to with draw his penis, which now had
a button sewed on the tip.

:eek: It wouldn't be just my hands trembling :eek:

[siggy]

Mary: My last ex wanted to be in **** movies.

Jill: Why on earth would he want that?

Mary: He heard the camera adds ten inches.
_____________________________________________

Linda: I'm going to be an airline flight attendant
because it's a wonderful way to meet lots of men.

Jill: There are plenty of other jobs where you could
meet men.

Linda: Maybe so, but they wouldn't be strapped in
their seats.

[siggy]

A man is like an automobile...

As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-
joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.

The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has
difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!

The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to
climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets
clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus
will make it to the top.

The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter,
making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can
kill ya!

It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking
hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat
goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The
headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.

His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low
position' and ya can't get any where that way.

But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished,
giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make
one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.

Gentlemen...start your engines!

[siggy]

HUSBAND VS.WIFE

He wears the pants in the house, under his apron.

He has two chances of winning an argument with her, slim and none.

She leads a double life, hers and his.

He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.

She does not have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.

He always has the last word, he says, "I apologize."

He was a man about town, she has turned him into a mouse around the house.

The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.

He put a ring on her finger and she put one through his nose.

He was a dude before marriage, now he is subdued.

He married her for her looks, but not the kind he's getting now.

She lost her thumb in an accident and sued for $100,000, because it was the thumb she had him under.

She even complains about the noise he makes, when he is fixing his own breakfast.

He goes to a woman dentist - it's a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.

Every once in awhile she comes to him on her bended knees; and dares him to come out from under the bed.

[Lazarus]

He goes to a woman dentist - it's a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.


I can relate to this 'un. :D

[siggy]

Overheard: "Has your husband lived up to all the things he said before you were married?"

"No, He's only lived up to one of them."

"Which one was that?"

"He said he wasn't good enough for me."

[siggy]

Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up beside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So ... out looking for a little, huh?"

She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. Now, I'm out looking for a LOT!"

[siggy]

A married couple are at the beach sitting on a
blanket. A man in a brief swimsuit walks by.

Husband: Want ME to wear a Speedo?
Wife: No.
Husband: Why not? I've got nothin' to hide.
Wife: That's the problem.

[siggy]

Men are like a deck of cards:

You need a "Heart" to love them;

A "Diamond" to marry them;

A "Club" to beat them;

And a "Spade" to bury the bastards.

[Lazarus]

:rofl:mao :D

[Bruce]

Sig: You must have been saving up . . . .

[theresa]

:rofl:

[TDKozan]

Lawyer: "Now would you please tell the Jury the truth - why did you shoot your husband with bow and arrow?"

Defendant: "I didn't want to wake up the children.


TK ;>

[siggy]

:rofl:

[theresa]

:rofl: Very funny TD. By the way where do you keep your bow?

[Lazarus]

Excellent TD. :rofl:mao

[TDKozan]

Originally posted by theresa
:rofl: Very funny TD. By the way where do you keep your bow?


Hanging in the basement over the gun safe. Fortunately, it's too heavy for Jo to draw.:D

TK ;>

[siggy]

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said,
"I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he
complained. "Tell me some good news for once"

"All right. Here's some good news," said the
secretary. "You're not sterile!"

[siggy]

A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a
water leak developed in the galley, which eventually
soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747.

A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the
dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?"

Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes,
but we put the top up."

With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep.

[Lazarus]

He must've been blonde. ;)

[siggy]

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were
pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big.......
10% of women think their ass is too little......

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have
married him anyway.

[siggy]

A man goes up to Jill at a bar and says to her, "I've got a condom
with your name on it."

Jill says to him, "You must be mistaken my name's not 'Trojan
Extra Small'."

[theresa]

:rofl: :rofl: I love them. I'ld give you a ten.:baa:

[Lazarus]

Originally posted by siggy
A man goes up to Jill at a bar and says to her, "I've got a condom
with your name on it."

Jill says to him, "You must be mistaken my name's not 'Trojan
Extra Small'."

*OUCH* ;)

[siggy]

This was in the Calgary Sun.....the title of the article was"Best Comeback Line
Ever"
In summary, the police arrested Ward Branham, a 22 year old white male,
resident of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 pm on Friday. Ward
will be charged with lewd and lavicious behavior, public indecency and public
intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on Monday,
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to
stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a
telephone interview.
Ward went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a
pumpkin that he felt could satisfy his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded
to satisfy his "needs". "I guess I was really into it , you know?" he commented
with evident embarassment. In the process, Ward failed to notice a police car
approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brin Taylor
approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said Officer
Taylor. "I walked up to (Ward) and he's just working away at this pumpkin"
Taylor went on to describe what happened as she approached Ward. "I just went
up and said" Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
He froze and was very clearly surprised that I was there and then looked me
straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn ....is it midnight already?"

[Lazarus]

http://www.novakovich.free-online.co.uk/images/Smilies/roflmao.gif

[siggy]

Dear Abby:
>
>I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next
>month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
>understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and
>invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit
>beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place, we reviewed
>the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred....then she floored me.
>She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that
>happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to
>her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if
>I wanted to leave.

>I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew
>exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front
>door......
>
>There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to
>be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a
>good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he
>congratulated me on passing their little test.

>Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I
>thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or
>should I keep the whole thing to myself, including the fact that the reason I
>was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
>
> Signed,
> Confused

[Lazarus]

http://www.novakovich.free-online.co.uk/images/grnloop.gif

[siggy]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the driver won't
> stop staring at here. She asks why he's staring and he replies, "I have
> a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
>
> She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as
> I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
> hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say
> or ask that I would find offensive."
>
> "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
>
> She responds "Well, let's see what we can do about that. #1, you have
> to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
>
> The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
> Catholic, too!"
>
> "Okay", the nun says. "Pull into the next alley". He does and the nun
> fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But
> when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>
> "My dear child", said the nun, "why are you crying"?
>
> "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm
> married and I'm Jewish."
>
> The nun says, "That's okay, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a
> Halloween party."

[Lazarus]

http://www.novakovich.free-online.co.uk/images/Smilies/roflmao.gif

[siggy]

Hard as this may be to believe, back in the 60's, white activists
often got their hair styled in an "Afro" to show support for civil
rights.

One such fellow did so, and came home smiling, announcing that
he'd also teased all his pubic hair into the same bushy style.

His wife who had had it with her spouses endless posturing
sneered, "Great. Just great. Now during foreplay, I have to look
for a needle in a haystack."

[siggy]

A husband is trying to reintroduce some romance into his
marriage. So one night he says to his wife, "Tonight, I'm
going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

She replies... "I'll miss you."

[Lazarus]

http://www.novakovich.free-online.co.uk/images/Smilies/roflmao.gif
http://www.novakovich.free-online.co.uk/images/Smilies/roflmao.gif

to both of 'em. :D ;)

[theresa]

:rofl:

[Sarah_Bat]

"Be sure to leave some money before you leave..."

[Lurkio]

We are not amused:( Oh yes we are. :rofl:

[Lazarus]

me too. :rofl:mao

[Ole Martin]

Sometimes it's hard to be a man, and to read all the rubbish. :D

[Lazarus]

WOT RUBBISH? There ain't no rubbish here m8ee, it's all quality stuff. :p :D ;)

[Ole Martin]

Originally posted by Lazarus
WOT RUBBISH? There ain't no rubbish here m8ee, it's all quality stuff. :p :D ;)
That's true.
Maybe not this thread. :p :D ;)

[theresa]

What do you expect from such simple creatures!
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress -- $5000; tux rental -- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $3.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don’t have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24,
in 45 minutes

[Billy_Bat]

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24,

That's me! Just LOOK OUT!!!
:rofl:

[Lazarus]

me too - but 45 mins is an awfully long time. ;) :D

Men are simple things.
We can survive a whole weekend with only three things:

beer, boxer shorts and their "working" computer...

[siggy]

My Husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe he will buy me a diamond next time.

[Bruce]

(OK, ladies. You're going to like this one.)

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which mistakenly wandered
into a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and
quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a
little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Finally she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello......... we're down
here.........."

[siggy]

:rofl:

[theresa]

:rofl: They were both funny.:rofl:

[siggy]

*************************************************
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
me: "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS."
*************************************************

[siggy]

>Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two
>extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam
>and Eve.
>
>He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow
>the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them
> "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."
>
>Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to
>be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to
>do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an
>excited little boy.
>
>So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he
>should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while
>standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then
>went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
>
>
>
>God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's
>the other thing and I guess you can have it." "What's it called? Eve asked.
>
>
>"Brains" God said.

[theresa]

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. :D









































j/k

[theresa]

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
The Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Dear Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I’ll beat him to death.

AMEN

[dnar]

Dear Lord,
Please find it in your heart
To give Theresa a Clue

Amen