Lazarus
10th June 2002, 03:49
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the
USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will
appoint a minister for America without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
incorrectly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save The Queen", but only after fully
carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is
only one kind of football. What you refer to as
American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of
you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to
play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls, it is
a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens side by 2005.
7. You should immediately declare war on Quebec and
France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any trouble.
The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th
will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It
will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are trash
and it is for your own good. When we show you good
British cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your co-operation.
(it's a bit dated, I know - but such a classic, I couldn't help myself. ;) :D )
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the
USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will
appoint a minister for America without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
incorrectly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save The Queen", but only after fully
carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is
only one kind of football. What you refer to as
American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of
you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to
play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls, it is
a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens side by 2005.
7. You should immediately declare war on Quebec and
France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any trouble.
The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th
will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It
will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are trash
and it is for your own good. When we show you good
British cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your co-operation.
(it's a bit dated, I know - but such a classic, I couldn't help myself. ;) :D )