Bruce
23rd July 2002, 14:12
>Oil Change instructions for Women:
>
>1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since last oil change.
>2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly-maintained vehicle.
>
>Money spent:
>Oil Change $20.00
>Coffee $ 1.00
>Total $21.00.
>------------------------------------------
>Oil Change instructions for Men:
>
>1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
>2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
>3) Open a beer and drink it.
>4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>7) Place drain pan under engine.
>8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>10) Unscrew drain plug.
>11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Gets hot oil on you in process.
>12) Clean up mess.
>13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>14) Look for oil filter wrench.
>15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
>16) Beer.
>17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
>18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
>19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
>21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
>23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
>27) Drink beer.
>28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
>29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
>30) Drink beer.
>31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
>32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>33) Begin cussing fit.
>34) Throw wrench.
>35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
>36) Beer.
>37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
>38) Beer.
>39) Beer.
>40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>41) Beer.
>42) Lower car from jack stands.
>43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
>44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
>45) Beer.
>46) Test drive car.
>47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
>48) Car gets impounded.
>49) Make bail.
>50) Get car from impound yard.
>
>Money spent:
>
>Parts $50.00
>DUI $2500.00
>Impound fee $75.00
>Bail $1500.00
>Beer $25.00
>Total-- $4150.00
>
>But you know the job was done right!
>
>1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since last oil change.
>2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly-maintained vehicle.
>
>Money spent:
>Oil Change $20.00
>Coffee $ 1.00
>Total $21.00.
>------------------------------------------
>Oil Change instructions for Men:
>
>1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
>2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
>3) Open a beer and drink it.
>4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>7) Place drain pan under engine.
>8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>10) Unscrew drain plug.
>11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Gets hot oil on you in process.
>12) Clean up mess.
>13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>14) Look for oil filter wrench.
>15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
>16) Beer.
>17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
>18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
>19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
>21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
>23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
>27) Drink beer.
>28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
>29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
>30) Drink beer.
>31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
>32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>33) Begin cussing fit.
>34) Throw wrench.
>35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
>36) Beer.
>37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
>38) Beer.
>39) Beer.
>40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>41) Beer.
>42) Lower car from jack stands.
>43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
>44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
>45) Beer.
>46) Test drive car.
>47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
>48) Car gets impounded.
>49) Make bail.
>50) Get car from impound yard.
>
>Money spent:
>
>Parts $50.00
>DUI $2500.00
>Impound fee $75.00
>Bail $1500.00
>Beer $25.00
>Total-- $4150.00
>
>But you know the job was done right!