Nurse Shu's Comedy Club

[dnar]

Gee Shu, the things we do for you! You wanted your own forum, well here it is, your very own Comedy Club......

I'll start the ball rolling.

This guy is looking around this pet shop, when he overhears someone ask if the store has any VisualBasic monkeys.

The store owner replies "Oh yes, I have one just over here. Very cheap, writes code very quickly".

"How much" asks the customer..... "Fifty dollars" answers the shopkeeper. and the customer walks out with the Visual Basic monkey.....

Just then, someone else asks if they have any "C" Monkeys.

The store owner replies "Oh yes, I have one just over here. Very efficient this monkey, writes very tight efficient code, no bugs and he documents everything he does".

"How much" asks the customer..... "One hundred dollars" answers the shopkeeper. and the customer walks out with the "C" monkey.....

The man, then curious, walks up to the counter and says, "Excuse me, I was just curious, do you really sell monkeys that can program computers?"

"Yes" replies the shopkeeper.

"Do you have any left?" Asks the man.

"Just one, but this one costs three hunder dollars" replies the shopkeeper.

"Thats alot more than the VisualBasic and C monkeys, what does he program in?" asks the man.

"Well, he says he's a consultant" replies the shopkeeper......

[shubles]

not really a joke.
more of the "unlikely to ever occur"

dnar doesnt post for a 24hour period.

:D

i know, i'll keep :rolleyes:

[dnar]

Originally posted by shubles

not really a joke.

more of the "unlikely to ever occur"



dnar doesnt post for a 24hour period.





Shu, that is because I am a very reliable person, and modest too :D You can rely on me.....


i know, i'll keep :rolleyes:


......And the longer you keep, the better you get :rolleyes:

[pelligrini]

You guys want to hear one?

It's a narrative about a certain commonly used word.
Done much like the old school instructional films.
The word F'.mp3 (http://members.home.net/pelligrini/acho/Unknown__The_Word_****.mp3)
It is about 1.7mb though.

[dnar]

Ok, the team is now so big and board so busy, I can't keep up with all the posts and still find time to make a post, or to do any work, or see my wife and kids......... add to that the server is over bandwidth allowance....

Proposal: How about we split up into 3 x teams. :dooooof: :D

[TDKozan]

Originally posted by dnar


Proposal: How about we split up into 3 x teams. :dooooof: :D

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH, AAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! The PAIN!!!!!

MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

{sigh}

{deep breath}

Ah, thats better. . .

Why not four teams?

Ducking and running. . .

TK ;>

[siggy]

Dnar between you and I and all the POST we could be a team by ourselves.

[Rick_Deadly]

Originally posted by pelligrini
You guys want to hear one?

It's a narrative about a certain commonly used word.
Done much like the old school instructional films.
The word F'.mp3 (http://members.home.net/pelligrini/acho/Unknown__The_Word_****.mp3)
It is about 1.7mb though.

Ow! My fricking ears :)

[dnar]

Originally posted by siggy





Dnar between you and I and all the POST we could be a team by ourselves.











The sad truth is this, There is not a board on the whole net big enough for the two of us baby! :D

[dnar]

Oh shucks! I just logged in and what-a-know! No guests and I'm alone with two very cool chicee-babes!

So Shu, so Sig, wanna come look at my etchings ??? :D

[siggy]

Originally posted by dnar


The sad truth is this, There is not a board on the whole net big enough for the two of us baby! :D

Well we will just have to fill this one.

Where is your location. US? Canada? Aussy?

[dnar]

Perth Western Australia. Originally from Melbourne (the other side of Aus) I am just around the corner from wylie.... And in the same City as Nurse Shu! It's a small world is it not ?

[shubles]

thats not funny dnar :tryingtokeepastraightface:

if yor not going to be funny in my comedy club you can GET OUT

*cheeky mode still stuck on*

[dnar]

Originally posted by shubles
thats not funny dnar :tryingtokeepastraightface:

if yor not going to be funny in my comedy club you can GET OUT

*cheeky mode still stuck on*

[eject tongue]

[wbierman]

Where's the comedy?



___________________
-will

[wbierman]

"Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Carlos calls:

"Ey, boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."



__________________
-will

[shubles]

thanks will

bout time there's some comedy in my club :D

u get big nurse hugses
*HUG*

[TDKozan]

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

"You don't have to let your wife bully you," she said. "Go home and show
her you're the boss."

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.

He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and
growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right
now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes.
Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where
you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

TK ;>

[dnar]

Here about the guy that comes home from work one day and finds his wife has not made him his usual steak & chips dinner?



He says to his wife, "Whats the big deal then? Were is my dinner?"



She replies "I couldn't be bothered today, make it yourself!"



This guy is real mad now, he expects the same dinner on the table at 7PM sharp every evening, with a beer ready as well.



He says "So whats the story, you know I have steak and chips at 7, why haven't you made it!!!"



His wife replies "Look, I ain't gunna take this anymore, make your own dinner!"



The husband replies to this "LOOK! If you don't get up know and make my steak and chip dinner, you will not see me for 3 days!"











Well, she did not see him on the first day.










She did not see him on the second day.










But on the third day, she could just begin to see him out the corner of her left eye......:D

[TDKozan]

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the
strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold
M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is
the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to
go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and
the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that
the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of
competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or
pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be
a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength.
In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest
of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I
pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of
Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card
reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free
1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set
aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we
will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.


TK ;>

[dnar]

ROFLMFAO! :D

[Dave S]

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5,000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

[X-Calibur]

OMG...

I'm sitting on the floor while writing this post and laughing like crazy...

Havn't had a laught like this one in a while...

- Where'S my chair again? -

Edit: Was referring to the M&M thread,... sometime others post way faster than you think....
Sorry Dave, already knew the tits one, classic... always good to read again... Cheers !

[Dave S]

Dam!! yer old but cool;)

Ok last try.....

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before."Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League.We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"

[phil]

VERY good TK :D

[phil]

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullsh*t. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

[Medic193]

:p :D

[TDKozan]

LOL! Good'uns, all!

Here's one more that's pretty bad. I'll save the other few dozen for another thread.


Leftovers from Y2K (Apocalypse Not)

Maybe you can help me with this Y2K problem. First I suppose I should give you a little background so you will know what I'm up against. Back several years ago a friend bought an English bulldog only to discover that he wasn't allowed to have pets in the apartment complex where he lived. Well, I kept Dawg, the bulldog, for several months until my friend could relocate. But after he took Dawg to the his new house, Dawg came back to my place. He tried several times to keep Dawg, but Dawg always made his way back to my place. Finally he just gave up and gave Dawg to me.
Next, early one morning when I was taking out the trash I hear this pitiful crying. It was coming from under the back steps next to where I keep the trash can, so I got down and looked to see what it was. It was the cutest little fluffy gray kitten you could ever see. Being the old softy that I am, I took it in as well. Over time Cute Kitty became Cute Cat, and amazingly enough Dawg gets along quite well with Cute Cat as long as Cute Cat stays out of the kitchen (Dawg's territory).
Then, the next door neighbor passed away and I sort of inherited her Persian, Beatrice. I think that Cute Cat may actually be one of Bea's kittens. Bea's fur is much fuller than Cute Cat's though, but nearly the same shade of gray.
Finally, just last week the boss at work gave me a Shits-zu(spelling?). He had bought it for his daughter, but they found out his wife is allergic to the animal dandruff. His daughter pitched a fit when he started to take it back to the store, so he promised her he would see if I would take it and then she could see it sometimes. It kind of put me on the spot, but what could I do? So, now I've got Bar as well. I know it's a weird name but Cindy, the Bosses daughter named him. It's quite appropriate really. When he barks it is a staccato of bar bar bar bar----bar bar bar bar. It actually sounds like he is trying to say bar.
Now to the Y2K problem. I heard on the news the other night that there may be problems with shipping and getting things to market. The "experts" on the news said there may be shortages, but most essential items would probably be available. This made me wonder about what are non-essential items. It quickly came to mind that cat and dog food might be considered non-essential. Well, I only have so much room in my house to store stuff. To top it off I only have a small refrigerator/freezer(no room for a big freezer), and practically no cabinets for storing food in the kitchen.
So I ask you, if the Y2K problem lasts for weeks or months, what am I suppose to feed myself, Bar, Bea, Cute Cat, and Dawg?


TK ;>

[X-Calibur]

Damn... almost missed that one, had to read it out loud to get it

:mehaveslowbrain: :mehomersimpson:

Good one.

[verT]

That doesn't sound as tasty as your M&M tourney. By the way I always thought I was the only one who did that. (I've never mailed them the winner, I save the winner from the tourney for the next tourney):D

[TDKozan]

Originally posted by verT
That doesn't sound as tasty as your M&M tourney. By the way I always thought I was the only one who did that. (I've never mailed them the winner, I save the winner from the tourney for the next tourney):D

Oh Sh*t Oh Dear! THAT took a minute to soak in!

I bow to the master of PUNishment.

TK ;>

p.s. Bwahahaha, ROFL and all that!!!!!

p.p.s. Hard to type when you're laughing this hard...

[Dave S]

ROFL - just spat my beer over the cat!!!!

[siggy]

I have a good joke. Let me go and do a little cutting and pasteing and then you will all be laughing.

[siggy]

OK get ready......

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately there after.
> > >
The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white, tipped cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit.
> > >
The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
> > >
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport's property. It begins to look as though the plane will never take off--but will plow into the water!! Panicked screams fill the cabin, but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
> > >
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
> > >
Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die!"

[siggy]

OK how about a dirty joke.

A pig falls in a mud puddle.

OK how about another dirty joke.

Another pig falls in the mud puddle.

OK how about a dirtier joke.

Three came out.

[dnar]

This white horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman says "we have a drink here named after you".

The white hourse says "really, you have drink called the FRANK???"

[shubles]

oh my god
you guys are too much :cool:

dnar!
u just suck

[geekboy]

http://www.hurontel.on.ca/~geekboy/lostpuppy.jpg

[Virus]

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Scroll down!




















Nothing, you told her twice already didn't you?

Sorry about the subject matter. joke, not serious, so don't try this at home folks.

[verT]

Did you know that Canada has 50,000 battered women?



I've been eating mine plain all this time.......



(just a joke, any one who abuses a spouse or mate is less than human)

[randycw]

As a husband what have you done wrong if your wife is standing in front of the TV (or computer screen) nagging you?

You've made her chain too long!

[randycw]

Why are womens' feet generally smaller than a mans?

Make's it easier to get close to the sink!

[randycw]

Okay last woman joke --- geez I hope my wife doesn't she these!;)

How many men does it take to open a beer?

NONE. She should have opened it when she brought it to you!

[phil]

^ Prepare to be flamed http://www.ocprices.com/phil/smiley/flame.gif

[dnar]

Ok so it's "wifey" jokes then is it.........

[disable forum entry: shubles]

[disbale forum entry: siggy]

[disable forum entry: debra]

What does WIFE stand for????


Scroll down.
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Washhing, Ironing, F*%#*$g and Entertainment.

[phil]

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

[wbierman]

Why it's so cool to be a guy...

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work ... more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. **** movies are designed with you in mind.

18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything different?"

19. One mood, ALL the damn time.

20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

22. You can open all your own jars.

23. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

24. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

25. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

27. If someone forgets to invite you to something,you can still be friends.

28. Your underwear is $10 or less for a three-pack.

29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

30. Everything on your face stays its original color.

31. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

32. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

33. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

34. No maxi-pads.

35. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

36. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

37. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

38. You almost never have strap problems in public.

39. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

40. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

41. You don't have to shave below your neck.

42. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

43. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

44. You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.

45. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

46. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

47. The world is your urinal.

[phil]

Excellent wbierman...so true, so true :)

[Dave S]

10 GOOD REASONS WHY COMPUTERS ARE BETTER THAN GIRLFRIENDS

1. You wouldn't bother to play Strip Poker all night with a girlfriend.
2. No girlfriend can hold your undivided attention for 30 hours in a stretch. one for dnar :D
3. Your computer never wants to be taken out for dinner.
4. Your computer doesn't mind if you are unshaved, haven't showered this week or are sitting by it in your underwear.
5. If a computer gets a virus, it can be cleaned away.
6. No matter how ugly your computer is, you can show it to your friends.
7. With a computer, you can press the buttons without it getting sore.
8. A computer doesn't mind you using other computers as well.
9. You will never find your computer in bed with your best friend.
10. Computers never, EVER gets a period.

[X-Calibur]

OMG...

wbierman... you just pulled a good one.... if you guys keep making me laugh like this, people are gonna start wondering what goes wrong in my office man....

Cheers !

[dnar]

Originally posted by Dave S
10 GOOD REASONS WHY COMPUTERS ARE BETTER THAN GIRLFRIENDS



1. You wouldn't bother to play Strip Poker all night with a girlfriend.

2. No girlfriend can hold your undivided attention for 30 hours in a stretch. one for dnar :D

3. Your computer never wants to be taken out for dinner.

4. Your computer doesn't mind if you are unshaved, haven't showered this week or are sitting by it in your underwear.

5. If a computer gets a virus, it can be cleaned away.

6. No matter how ugly your computer is, you can show it to your friends.

7. With a computer, you can press the buttons without it getting sore.

8. A computer doesn't mind you using other computers as well.

9. You will never find your computer in bed with your best friend.

10. Computers never, EVER gets a period.

They certainly go down on you a lot more often....

[dnar]

What is the difference between your Wife and your Job?
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After 10 years, your job still sucks.

[verT]

What's the similarity between a tornado and a marriage ending in divorce?






They both start with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you lose your house and car.

[Hans Arne Iversen]

http://home.enitel.no/hansarne/images/027.jpg

[geekboy]

http://www.hurontel.on.ca/~geekboy/hairdryer.jpg

[Dave S]

A picture speaks a thousand words – lol.

http://www.wasya.com/images/girlshaha.jpg

[kirek]

I know everyones sick of people bashing M$ but sometimes it's just too easy.


Stop me if you've heard this one...





Subject: Bill Gates & GM Cars joke





For those of you who have had experience with computers and their glitches


and idiosyncrasies, and downright illogical workings, you'll appreciate the


following:





At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the


computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with


the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be


driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."





In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release


stating:





If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars


with the following characteristics:





l. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.


2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a


new car.


3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would


have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut


off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could


continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.


4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your


car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to


reinstall the engine.


5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT,"


but then you would have to buy more seats.


6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,


five times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but would run on only five


percent of the roads.


7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be


replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.


8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.


9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure" before deploying.


10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and


refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned


the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.


11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand


McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor


want them. Attempting to delete this option would


immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.


Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.


12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to


drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same


manner as the old car.


13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.





:D

[pelligrini]

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married
couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the
house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work." the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and
it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave
because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got
home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and
waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing
naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she
replied.

"Needs ironing!"

[pelligrini]

Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

30 Lbs.

[stall6g]

Hehe I will refrain for fear of receiving capital punishment for posting a comment.:D

[geekboy]

http://www.hurontel.on.ca/~geekboy/driveway.jpg

[zhotfire]

Why did the woman cross the road?

That's not the point!!! WHAT was she doing out of the kitchen!!!

(my sister loves telling that one for some reason...) :D

[zhotfire]

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, " Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

[zhotfire]

A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong...

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into BBQ chicken.
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet, or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out.
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape.
14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg hair.
16. Beware Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure
you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the
desert floor for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman I have captured you by the short rabbits
and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough
extermination.

[zhotfire]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

*On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

[zhotfire]

If you love something, set it free.
>>>
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
>>>
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
>>>
If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it or gave birth to it.
>>>

[zhotfire]

Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flights crews. Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

Pilot - "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

Here are a few from Northwest I heard: "Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are please to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

[zhotfire]

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

[zhotfire]

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said "The whole time."

[geekboy]

http://www.3bp.com/headlines/h11.gif

[Dave S]

http://www.wasya.com/images/4.jpg

[Dave S]

5 Stages of drunkenness!!

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the
known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always
RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck
full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this
stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will
win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are
RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because
now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners
of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART, you know all the words.

[siggy]

Originally posted by dnar
Perth Western Australia. Originally from Melbourne (the other side of Aus) I am just around the corner from wylie.... And in the same City as Nurse Shu! It's a small world is it not ?

Wow I did not pick up on your accent at all.

[dnar]

Originally posted by siggy







Wow I did not pick up on your accent at all.



Wot axcent! Beudy siggy,your a real cobber. Gota go though another shrimp on the barbie....See ya lata mate. :D

[shubles]

Originally posted by wbierman
[B


20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

[/B]

see wylie???
im getting so ripped off...

wylies phone-tolerance limit is about 3 seconds :rolleyes:
and u can forget about answers to sms messages

*jokes wylie - i know, yor a man. best excuse in the book*

[shubles]

OH MY GOD ZHOTFIRE...
where the hell did you get all of those?

i havent laughed so much in years.
you so rock

[zhotfire]

Originally posted by shubles
OH MY GOD ZHOTFIRE...
where the hell did you get all of those?

i havent laughed so much in years.
you so rock
Glad you like 'em shoob, they're from an old website i had when i was collecting jokes n stuff. When i saw "Nurse Shu's Comedy Club" i went digging through my old cds... and i actually found something! :eek:

[siggy]

How many guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they don't know where they left the lightbulb!!

[zhotfire]

Hey siggy, how do you get a one armed Canadian out of a tree?

Wave.... :D

[siggy]

How do you make Hellen Keller mad?

rearrange the furniture.

[Rick_Deadly]

A man walks into a bar to see a horse sitting at the bar. On the bar in front of the horse is a basket overflowing with 5 dollar bills. The man sits down beside the horse and asks the bartender "What's up with the horse". The bartender replies "It's a little game of chance. You put your 5 dollars in the basket and then attempt to make the horse laugh without touching him. If the horse laughs, you get double your money back." Nobody's ever gotten thier money back. "No problem" says the man. "Don't forget, you can't touch the horse." says the bartender.

The man places his five dollars in the basket, leans over to the horse and whispers in his ear. The horse starts laughing like crazy and of course the bartender is dumbfounded. The man takes his 10 dollars and prepares to leave. Just a minute says the bartender, nobody's ever done that before. I'll give you a chance to win again. If you can make that horse cry, I'll give you the whole basket of money. The man thinks for a second and then says OK. He whispers something in the horses ear and then they head out to the back of the bar. The bartender yells over the counter "remember, you can't touch the horse.".

A minute later the man and the horse walk back into the bar and the horse is balling his eyes out, crying like a baby. The bartender is shocked. While the man gathered his money the bartender says "I have to know how you made that horse laugh.". Too easy said the man, I told him my dick was bigger than his. The bartender says "Well how did you make him cry". "I showed him." said the man.

[dnar]

This guy and his wife get pulled over by the police one night, the guy was doing 20km over the speed limit. The cop walks up to the car, and says to the driver "Any reason you were doing 100 in a 80 zone? "The driver says "yeh, I'm a diabetic, and my medication is at home, and I need it now!". The guys wife says "Your not a dia....SMAK!" the buy gives his wife a left hander.....



The cop says "mind blowing into this sir?"



The driver replies "well, you see, Im an asmatic, I cant blow into that thing". His wife says "Your not an as.....SMAK"" the guy gives his wife another left hander......



The cop says "mind explaining why your not wearing a seat belt sir?"



The driver replies "well you see, I was, but when I say you behind me, I took it off to lean forward, so I could get my wallet and drivers license from my back pocket". His wife says "You dont have a driv.......SMAK!" another left hander.........



The cop says to his wife "is your husband always like this????"



The woman replies "Only when his drunk".....:D

[wbierman]

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
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-Because 7 8 9

[TDKozan]

Why I fly:

Sorry, Ladies, I just had to. . .

WHY AIRPLANES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
(From a man's point of view, of course.)

AN AIRPLANE WILL KILL YOU QUICKLY...A WOMAN TAKES HER TIME... AIRPLANES CAN
BE TURNED ON BY A FLICK OF A SWITCH ...
AN AIRPLANE'S THRUST TO WEIGHT RATIO IS HIGHER ...
AN AIRPLANE DOES NOT GET MAD IF YOU 'TOUCH & GO' ...
AN AIRPLANE DOES NOT OBJECT TO A PREFLIGHT INSPECTION...
YOU CAN FLY AN AIRPLANE ANY TIME OF THE MONTH...
AIRPLANES DON'T WHINE UNLESS SOMETHING IS REALLY WRONG....
AIRPLANES DON'T CARE ABOUT HOW MANY OTHER
AIRPLANES YOU'VE FLOWN ...
AIRPLANES COME WITH MANUALS ...
IT'S OK TO USE TIEDOWNS ON YOUR AIRPLANE ...
AIRPLANES HAVE STRICT WEIGHT AND BALANCE LIMITS...

And still more:

Plus, airplanes allow multiple passengers and don't mind you having control of the "joy stick"!

It's also very easy to get an airplane to "go down"!

The tail of a plane is thinner than the mid section. (Although, like some women, there are varieties where it drags on the ground).

And the number one reason planes are better than women:

They don't need shoes!!!

Alas, both do internalize their baggage though.

And both are "high" maintenance


As a wise man once said: "If it flys, floats, or fu*&s, rent it!"

TK ;>

[dnar]

Something that has always puzzled me, if little girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice, then why do they taste like anchovies???? :eek:

[Dave S]

Originally posted by dnar
Something that has always puzzled me, if little girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice, then why do they taste like anchovies???? :eek:
ROFL

[siggy]

Dnar, your done.

[dnar]

Originally posted by siggy
Dnar, your done.
Run away! run away!

[siggy]

"where did you get that great motorcycle?" the engineering student asked his friend.
"I was minding my own business, when a gorgeous woman rode up on it, jumped off, threw the bike to the ground, tore off her clothes and said, 'Take what you want' ".
The 1st engineer nodded his approval. "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

--courtesy of Readers Digest
--contributed by Ed Perratore.
--typed by Siggy.

[fizler]

*things to do when your getting your drivers test*

Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look,
"buckle up!"

Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to
put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesnt dirty the seat.

When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "oops".

Let in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas
again?"

After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the
oil.

Fill your car with beer bottles.

The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

Tell the Registar that you are taking the remedial test.

In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

Swear at everybody on the road.

When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and
forth between the person next to you and the light.

Beep your horn at everything.

Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

[fizler]

100 reasons its great to be a guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop at every shot
of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be
your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even
thinking. "He must be mad at me".
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about
to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like
him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just
too scary.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population
in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your
friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "**** it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your not in the
mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and
throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. **** movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So ... notice anything
different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.

[pelligrini]

In a big city at a crowded busy bus stop there was a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Still, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her in line picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic, turned to the would-be good Samaritan, and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.

[pelligrini]

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and WHACK! The trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "what the hell was that for!?"
The trooper says, "you're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car!"
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here..."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license and he's clean...
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and WHACK! The trooper smacks him with the nightstick also!

The passenger says, "what'd you do that for!?"
The cop says, "just making your wishes come true!"
The passenger says, "huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say,
"I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me".."

[siggy]

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:

Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer", that is essentially in liquid form.

The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.

The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...

[TDKozan]

A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine. Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

"What didja do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"



<<<<

[siggy]

EVIDENCE THAT YOU LIVE IN THE YEAR 2001

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails
you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it
contains Echinacea.

7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she
can create a new screen saver.

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.

9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of
the screen.

10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it's out of date and now sells
for half the price you paid.

11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to
go get it.

12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would
be a hassle and take planning.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the
back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don't
have email addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your email on your
way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

[dnar]

ROFL! That me, thats me!:D

[siggy]

A teenager was on his way home from school, and he was thinking about later on that evening. He was going to girlfriend's house for dinner with her family, where he was going to meet them for the first time. He had a really good feeling that tonight was going to be the ''big night''. So he went to the pharmacy on his way home from school and was trying to decide if he wanted a box of 6, 10, or 20 condoms. So he asked the pharmacist, what should i do? I'm having dinner with my girlfriend and we will be all alone after her family leaves, so I wonder what box I should get. The pharmacist and the boy discuss it and finally the boy got the box of 20.

That night at the table, right before they eat, the family were all sitting there praying. The girlfriend leaned over to her boyfriend, who was praying and concentrating very hard and said, ''You never told me you were so religious!'' And the boy leaned over to her and said, ''You never told me your father was a pharmacist!''

[siggy]

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor.
The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

[Medic193]

Here are some newspaper clippings. their's one from a realtor that is hilarious.

News Clippings (http://home.mmcable.com/babybeard/newsclips.htm)

[Dave S]

Top Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.

[wylie]

Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office. 'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance the last few games. You've been hopeless, completely off form.' 'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.' 'Oh dear,' says Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's up? Posh and Brooklyn okay? Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.' Whatever's the matter, David?' says Fergie. ' Well, boss', says David, 'it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...' 'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Alex. 'You're fu**ing up every time you play because of a bloody jigsaw?!!!' 'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!' says David in that horrible whining voice. It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...' 'David, David, David,' says Ferguson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as Manchester United's success, other than Roy Keane's wages, obviously.' 'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture, and it's a tiger and it's hard.... and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er,boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss. Ferguson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual. 'David,' he says, with that conceited, irritating, smug smile he uses for self-congratulatory post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. For Christ's sake, we've got to get you back to playing football.' 'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger is.' So David brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office. 'Here it is, boss.' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's his
picture here of a tiger,' .....and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Ferguson's desk. Ferguson looks at what's on his desk and the faint dusty cloud now hanging over it. He looks up and says..... 'David, put the fu**ing Frosties back in the box.'

[shubles]

RIGHT!!!

since this is MY THREAD, im going to fill it up with some jokes ive heard from the kids in the child care centre i work in.

Q. What did the little girl say to her grandfather when he was drowning?

A. "Paddle Pop"

[shubles]

Q. What's the difference between a banana and a tiger?

A. It takes ages to peel a tiger.

[shubles]

Q. What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?

A. "WINNIE THE POOH" YAY!!!!!! :D

[shubles]

"Susie, it gives me great pleasure to give you 89 out of 100 for your science project"

'Why not give me 100 out of 100 and really enjoy yourself?'

[shubles]

Originally posted by dnar
You tell those kids at your child care centre that their jokes just suck!:eek:

YOU SUCK!!!!!

yor such a mean old man.
they're all of FIVE years old

[siggy]

Originally posted by dnar
You tell those kids at your child care centre that their jokes just suck!:eek:

Good Dnar, now you are picking on a bunch of defenseless 5 year olds.

Have you no shame?

[siggy]

Ya well you think windows suck too. So that just shows what you know. I think the jokes are sweet. And I think it is amazing how those little minds work.

Shubles you just keep posting their jokes for the rest of us that are enjoying them.

Maybe we can get Dnar banned from this thread.....

[shubles]

all i can say is "they're a hell of a lot better than any jokes you've posted so far!!!!"

BITE ME DNAR

[shubles]

besides...
...this is MY thread.
NOT yours.

Go post in the "blokes only" forum.
scared yor going to get girl germs are ya dnar?

[shubles]

Told to me by an 8 year old schooly in my centre.

Q. What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windscreen?

A. It's arsehole.

[wylie]

C'mon dnar....lets head over to the [K]lub for some real comedy....
something smutty and sexist eh??

[shubles]

The Queen was showing the Archbishop around her stables, when one of her prize thoroughbreds let off a huge, loud fart.
'Oh, I am sorry,' said the queen. 'How embarrassing.'
'It's perfectly alright, Your Majesty, as a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse.'

[shubles]

There were four people. Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job that needed to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everbody blamed Somebody for what Anybody could have done.

[shubles]

What kind of pants do scientists wear?

[dnar]

?

[shubles]

GENES!!!!
:D :) :D :) :D

[siggy]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No. Just up to my breasts."

[zhotfire]

Ark! Ark! .... good one siggy! :D

[siggy]

I just trying and keep most of you happy.

TIme for a team hug.

<<<<<<TGC HUG>>>>>>

Wow that was great.

Bet that pegged out the Hug-o-meter.:)

[dnar]

Thanks siggy! I'll have to check the hug-o-meter later (being very slack lately, the poor old meters have been neglected)

Anyone want the meters back???

[siggy]

I do, I do.

[siggy]

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

[MikeTimbers]

Try growing up Polish in a rural logging town. I knew how a Polack takes a bubble bath or a shower before I was three. Needless to say, I developed an antipathy toward Polack jokes early. This didn't reach its peak, however, until the day that I almost died because of the damned things.

There used to be a sleazy little bar at 4th and Wall in Seattle. I don't know if it's still there, because it's been many years since I needed to know which places were, um, "casual" about checking your ID. Anyway, we'd heard that this was one of those places, so my friend John and I dropped in there one Friday evening. The rumors were true (hooray!), and we settled down at the bar with a couple of beers.

John had apparently heard some new Polack jokes recently, and he decided that I just _had_ to hear them RIGHT NOW. So he started in on them, one after another. Every joke was louder and more obnoxious than the previous one. Not one was funny.

I tried to subtly remind John that it wasn't really in our best interests to draw attention to ourselves, given the situation.

"John, I've heard it. It wasn't funny. John, shut up!" I hissed, to no avail. I started looking around to see if anyone was paying attention.

Someone was.

Way in the back corner of the bar, a guy was glaring at us from behind the wall of beer bottles he'd built up on his table. Every time John delivered a new punchline, this guy's stare became more focused and more malevolent.

I tried again to alter the path John was choosing for us.

"John, you told me that one two minutes ago. It _still_ isn't funny. John, shut the f**k up!" I'd've left, but John was driving, and I didn't know the bus system well enough to get home.

At the point that the whole F**KING world discovered that it only takes two Polacks to screw in a light bulb (the problem is getting them in there), the guy in the corner apparently decided he'd had enough. He stormed to his feet, sweeping the table out of his way. Bottles flew everywhere. Most of them broke on impact with the wall. This was when I realized just how huge the guy was. Think Mark McGwire, only without the big friendly smile. He
was coming STRAIGHT AT US, glaring all the while.

Fortunately, he stormed right on past us before I could wet myself. He slammed the door open on his way out, and when it bounced back, it didn't fit right in the frame anymore.

John, who apparently had reached "invincible" on only two beers, turned to the bartender, and asked, "HEY! What's HIS problem?"

"Well, you see, it's like this. He's a regular, he's Polish, and he hates Polack jokes. You probably pissed him off some."

"Oh." John's a real master of the language, sometimes.

We spent another ten or so minutes finishing our beers and giving the guy time to leave the area. Happily, they were ten completely joke-free minutes.

When we figured the coast was probably clear, we left. We were wrong. We got out the door OK, but as we rounded the corner toward John's car, we ran into (almost literally) our friend from the bar. He'd apparently gone out to get a razor, as that was what he was clutching in his hand. I was absolutely positive that we were going to die.

We would have, too, if he'd been able to find a plug-in.

[siggy]

The Tomato Man....

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.
Stunned, the man leaves.

Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his email address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What? You don't have email? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

[wbierman]

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Greg's wife, Dorothy, was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table as he emerged rather red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Dorothy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "You can have some, but it will cost you $100."

After thinking about it for a minute, Jeff indicated that he was interested.

She tells him that since Greg works Friday afternoons (and Jeff doesn't), he should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Greg came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"

Totally shocked, Dorothy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

"Did he give you $100?" "Oh hell, he knows!" thought Dorothy.

Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," says Greg, "he came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

[wbierman]

Cigarette Covers

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

The lady asked, "What's that?"

"A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.

"You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted

[verT]

A guy walks into a psychaitrist's office dressed in nothing but Saran wrap.

The doctor looks at him and says "Clearly I can see your(you're) nuts!"

[siggy]

Psychiatric Hotline
We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the.... PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE

The telephone rings and an answering machine answers... "Welcome to the psychiatric hotline." If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.

If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press....no one will answer any way.

[siggy]

Q: What did the apple say to the orange?
A: Duh! Apples can't talk!

[siggy]

Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200
> > adult voices?
> >
> > Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when
> > a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning.
> > As I came into my bedroom about 2a.m., I found my two
> > children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by
> > the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest
> > bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the
> > children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom
> > when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home,
> > please don't sleep with Mom that night.They agreed. After
> > my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children
> > picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
> > Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the
> > terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with
> > hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving
> > passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me,
> > and came running shouting,"Hi Dad! I've got some good
> > news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good
> > news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this
> > time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as
> > everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned
> > to me, then searched the rest of the area to see if they
> > could figure out exactly who his Mom was

[siggy]

> > An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this
> > story about her then 4-year-old daughter. On the way to
> > preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car
> > seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing
> > with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my
> > daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child
> > spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I
> > take your order?"

[siggy]

> > At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up
> > to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children
> > were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and
> > said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it
> > your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly into
> > the
> > pastor clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a
> > bitch to iron."

[siggy]

> > - A little girl goes to the
> > barber shop with her father. She stands next to the
> > barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a
> > snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're
> > gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know,
> > and I'm gonna get boobs too."
> >

[wbierman]

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

Man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . .

Some things you just can't explain."

[wbierman]

25 Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say...

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
2. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!
3. This ****o scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
4. Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wet spot.
5. Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.
6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch ****o's again?
7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter Tracy.
8. You're my daddy, you're my daddy!
9. The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
12. Bar food again!? Kick ass.
13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am, Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day!
17. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
18. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?
19. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
20. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Chuck's bare ass!
21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
22. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
24. You are so much smarter than my father.
25. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

[Dave S]

all 2 true Will, all 2 true:D :D

[siggy]

"You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me."

Now only 24 are true.:D

[Dave S]

yer uh huh hmmmm ok:D :D :D
na all 25 LOL:rolleyes: :p

[Bruce]

(Sent to me by a friend)

I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes
quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only
crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined!" a coworker called
out with mock horror.

"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

[siggy]

This riddle will really mess with you.
It will take a lot of thought to solve it.


The Thompson triplets were sitting around watching television.


The perception was so bad that they decided
to throw away their TV and go buy a new one.



They checked their wallets and found that they only had $10 each.
So they took their $30 to a second hand store.
They met a salesman who told them he had a TV for sale for $30.

So they gave him $30 and took the TV.
However, when the salesman went in the back of the store
he realized that the price was supposed to be $25.
So he ran back outside to give them their $5 back.
But when he realized they had each paid $10
he didn't want to make it confusing so he only gave them $1 back each
and he kept the other two dollars for himself.

OK, let's recap. They paid $10 each which is $30 total.
The salesman gave them back $1 each and he kept $2 for himself.
So they actually spent $10 each minus $1 each.
Which means they spent $9 each.
9 X 3 = $27,
The salesman kept $2.
That's a total of $29.


Where's the other dollar?

[Rick_Deadly]

Originally posted by siggy
This riddle will really mess with you.
It will take a lot of thought to solve it.


The Thompson triplets were sitting around watching television.


The perception was so bad that they decided
to throw away their TV and go buy a new one.



They checked their wallets and found that they only had $10 each.
So they took their $30 to a second hand store.
They met a salesman who told them he had a TV for sale for $30.

So they gave him $30 and took the TV.
However, when the salesman went in the back of the store
he realized that the price was supposed to be $25.
So he ran back outside to give them their $5 back.
But when he realized they had each paid $10
he didn't want to make it confusing so he only gave them $1 back each
and he kept the other two dollars for himself.

OK, let's recap. They paid $10 each which is $30 total.
The salesman gave them back $1 each and he kept $2 for himself.
So they actually spent $10 each minus $1 each.
Which means they spent $9 each.
9 X 3 = $27,
The salesman kept $2.
That's a total of $29.

Spoiler
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Where's the other dollar?

The trick is that there is no extra dollar of course...

The price of the TV is $25.00, they each paid $9.00 for a total of $27.00. The store got $25.00 and the salesman stole $2.00.

What was supposed to happen:
Pay...........Refund..Sale price
10+10+10=30-5=25

What did happen:
Pay.............Refund....Steal....Sale price
10+10+10=30-1-1-1=27-2=25

[shubles]

Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask:
"Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group he said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used."

[wbierman]

**Stella Awards**

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S.in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.

This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award -for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones you listed below are clear candidates.

All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right attorney you could win anything! (see OJ trial)

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little pr*ck was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-inyard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

7. And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail: Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for, "just a few minutes, on low," The case was quickly dismissed. By the way these are ALL True Linda.

[wylie]

Man....thats so scary its not funny.......:eek: :eek:

[MikeTimbers]

The most important person in a courtroom is the Judge. Clearly in the above cases, he failed to execute his judgement and THROW OUT THE FSCKING CASES!!!!!!

Lunatics - asylum - revolution complete.

[wylie]

Stop the world...I wanna get off.

[siggy]

There once was a girl from madras
Who had a most beautiful ass
It wasn't pink
As might think
But grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

[siggy]

Some of the girls were seated on the porch of the clubhouse at the golf course. Somehow the locker room door was partly open and the girls could not help but notice a nude man whose head and shoulders were covered by a bath towel. After studying the body, so to speak, one of the girls reported that it was not her husband. A second girl gazed at the man and said, "No, it isn't my husband." Then the third girl, who was a life-of -the-party-type, shifted her chair, peered intently at the masculine torso and blurted, "Why, he isn't even a member of the club!"

[Rick_Deadly]

There once was a Borg named George.

Who's assimilation tube burnt off in a forge.

Without a regret,

He changed his ID.net.

And he's now Georgette the Borgette!

:)

[siggy]

> Math And Logic
>
> Two nuns, one known for her skill in math (M) and the
> other known for her skill in logic (L), were walking
> one dark night far from the convent when they noticed
> a man following them:
>
> M: Have you noticed that a man has been following us
> for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder
> what he wants.
> L: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
> M: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
> at the most. What can we do?
> L: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk
> faster.
>
> M: It's not working.
> L: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
> logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
> M: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us
> in one minute.
> L: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go
> that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
>
> So the man decided to follow the logical sister. The
> mathematical sister arrives at the convent and is
> worried about what has happened to her fellow nun.
> Then the logical sister arrives.
>
> M: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me
> what happened!
> L: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't
> follow us both, so he followed me.
> M: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
> L: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
> as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he
> could.
> M: And?
> L: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
> M: Oh, dear! What did you do?
> L: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
> M: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
> L: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
> M: Oh, no! What happened then?
> L: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up
> can run faster than a man with his pants down.

[siggy]

I am herby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.

I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So….here’s my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause…………….”Tag! You’re it”

[verT]

So do I siggy so do I

[zhotfire]

Where do i sign up?

[Martyn]

Originally posted by siggy


So….here’s my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause…………….”Tag! You’re it”

Sounds like heaven, well said girl ;)

[pelligrini]

Originally posted by siggy
cause…………….”Tag! You’re it”
No running in the house!
Go to your room...

[siggy]

LOL....you have to catch me first :D

[pelligrini]

Don't make me get The BELT!!

[siggy]

That just makes my run faster OLD MAN. :)

Just wait till MOM gets home. She will protect me. :)

[siggy]

> The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

>One good turn........gets most of the blankets.

>An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

>If qutters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool.

> A closed mouth gathers no feet.

>It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

>Jury - Twelve people who determin which client has the better lawyer.

>Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage the "Y" becomes silent

>If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

>I love shopping online because it's so eary.....just point, click, and spend.

>Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.

[siggy]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....

" A super callused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis"

[Bruce]

Nobody is this dumb - - - but I'll post it anyway.


One day while Mary was out shopping, her husband took a telephone message. Knowing how she always reminds him to write the messages down, he left the following:

"Doctor's office called. Pabst Beer is normal"
:D

[zhotfire]

THE BLOND COOK BOOK

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors
were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said
serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a
surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but
I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up
to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all
ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have
been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,
everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some
reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.
All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash
of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the
controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much
to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for
tomorrow tocome so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.
If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to
surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

[zhotfire]

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

[siggy]

> AAADD - AGE-ACTIVATED ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER
> I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed
> with AAADD Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
> This is how it goes ... I decide to wash the car, start down the
> hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to wash
> the car ... BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper.
> After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the
> newspaper in the recycle stack .... BUT FIRST I'll look through
> the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes,
> Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's the empty glass
> from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that
> checkbook ... BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink.
> I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor
> flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink and
> there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it
> doing here? I'll just put it away...BUT FIRST I need to water
> those plants.
> I head for the door and ... Aaaagh! stepped on the dog. Dog
> needs to be fed.
> Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants ... BUT
> FIRST I need to feed the dog.
> END OF DAY: Car not washed, newspapers are still on the
> floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook
> is still lost, and the dog ate the remote control ... And, when
> I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled
> because ... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this
> condition is serious ... I'll get help ... BUT FIRST ... I think
> I'll check my e-mail. . .

[phil]

Open up Word for windows and type:

=rand(200,99)

and then press enter.

[phil]

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a house call.

[Martyn]

Originally posted by phil
Open up Word for windows and type:

=rand(200,99)

and then press enter.

LOL

"the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
x 211 pages, 178,000 words :) good one!

...guess that's my typing homework sorted :D

[siggy]

Originally posted by phil
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

snip



ROFLMAO.....This was too funny.

[shubles]

Originally posted by siggy


ROFLMAO.....This was too funny.

and... too true

[phil]

Count the black dots:


http://homepage.ntlworld.com/phil.harling/images/count_the_black_dots.jpg

[phil]

Bore your office friends with this list of fascinating facts

All porcupines float in water.

Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. how cool

Studies show that if a cat falls off the 7th floor of a building, it has about 30% less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the 20th floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Norvelle Rogers is the real name of 'Shaggy' in Scooby Doo.

More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

Certain frogs can be frozen solid, then thawed, and survive.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

An ostrich's eye is bigger that its brain.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs it will let you go instantly.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

A whale's penis is called a dork.

If a statue in the park is of a person on a horse that has both front legs in the air, then the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson".

In "Casablanca", Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam".

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

Starfishes have no brains. (just like Villa fans)

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump

[dnar]

LOL! You sure about Humphrey????:D :rolleyes: :confused:

[phil]

Originally posted by dnar
LOL! You sure about Humphrey????:D :rolleyes: :confused:


Yeah, he only said "Play it" IIRC.

[shubles]

Originally posted by phil

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.



thats true
i knew that one

the reason being they need to crawl and crawl fast

ever tried crawling lately????
it bloody hurts...
...and i bet you cant go nearly as fast as a baby can
:D

[MikeTimbers]

Duck quack echo test (http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a5_071.html)

Incredibly enough someone has actually proved that a duck quack does echo. Click on the above for someone with too much time on their hands.:D

[Bruce]

> Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner
> will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.
> Therefore, I suggest we do neither. Let the Special Forces,
> Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed
> hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change
> operation. Then we return her to Afghanistan.

[shubles]

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2001, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.

I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch whom you must nominate.

You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and abilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.

Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing repayment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home. 7. To leave a message on my computer. 8. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact. 9.
To make a general complaint or inquiry. #. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie:" "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for." After twenty minutes of that, our mutual
contact will probably know it by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.

As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored
check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute; you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your humble client, [ Name withheld ] --

[phil]

LMAO Shu :D ....I may just have a use for that ;)

[Chas]

LOL

I too hate them bloody queueing, systems on the phone, and the crap music they make you listen too........

[siggy]

What Men Really Mean...
"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

[wylie]

yeah......and??
:D :D :D

[verT]

Siggy what are on about there?;)

[zhotfire]

She's got me confused too... i hope everything's "fine". ;)

[Chas]

O.k siggy, i think you have us sussed :D

[siggy]

Originally posted by Chas
O.k siggy, i think you have us sussed :D

OK I have no clue as to what you are talking about. :(

What is sussed?

Zotfire what are you confused about? And I am fine.

Am I missing something here?

[verT]

Uh Huh;)

[zhotfire]

Originally posted by verT
Uh Huh;)
ROFLMAO!!!!! :D

[Chas]

Originally posted by siggy


OK I have no clue as to what you are talking about. :(

What is sussed?

Zotfire what are you confused about? And I am fine.

Am I missing something here?


English expression meaning you understand/ suspicion

ie I think the old bill has sussed us, meaning the police man watching the criminal types knows they are up to something.......

also police use the word suss, ie suspicion of just being involved in a criminal act

[siggy]

Well thank you for explaining. I was begining to worry. :hugz:

[eldiablo]

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village
when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat
were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on
the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The
Mexican replied, "Only a little while, Senor."

The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more
fish?"

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each
evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and
busy life, Senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should
spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the
proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a
middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your
own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to
Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding
enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But Senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, Senor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is
right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public
and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, Senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing
village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take
siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could
sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

[zhotfire]

That's kinda like "show me where i've been and i'll tell you where i'm going".... :D

[Bruce]

I swear, the next time someone parks in my spot, I'm going to
sprinkle some baby powder on their car. :D ;)

[zhotfire]

Originally posted by Bruce
I swear, the next time someone parks in my spot, I'm going to
sprinkle some baby powder on their car. :D ;)
Nah..no need to be that cruel, just put a big glob of grease on the underside of the driver's door handle.... :D

[eldiablo]

Originally posted by Bruce
I swear, the next time someone parks in my spot, I'm going to
sprinkle some baby powder on their car. :D ;)

better yet, put the baby powder in an envelope, write "money i owe you" on it, and put in under their windshield wiper. :D

ok, that's cruel... but if they deserve it... :p

[dnar]

Those who have seen the Australian "Vic Bitter" adverts will get a laugh from this:

BIN LAGER

You can get it crashing a plane,
or looking insane.
Being feared,
or growing a beard.
Making rich countries poor,
or waging Holy War.
Making Bush mad,
or calling Jihad.
You can get it burning a flag,
or wearing a rag.
Being an Afgan resident,
or pissing off a president.
Putting nations in trouble,
or making some rubble.
Being a fugitive fella,
or killing for Allah.
You can get it any old how. Matter of fact....
I've got it now.

BIN LAGER.

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[shubles]

D'ya come up with that yourself???:rolleyes:

[siggy]

There were these two elderly people living in a
Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community
supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across
from one another. As the meal went on,
he made a few admiring glances at her
and finally gathered up his courage to ask her,
"Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration,
she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled.
"Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just
could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did
you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said,
'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called,
because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

[zhotfire]

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.

On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit,
handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they
both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.

The man gets off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says,
"Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

[zhotfire]

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been
operating in Newfoundland, Canada.

Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.

The Newfoundland Provincial Police Commissioner stated that the
terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested
on immigration issues.

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the
description
of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the province.

Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Workin will be very
easy to spot in the community.

[Maritime joke... sorry ;) ]

[zhotfire]

This joke is rated PG-13... so mohT, you can't read this! ;)



















A man walks into a tavern. There's a sign behind the bar that says:
cheese sandwich $2
handjob $10
The man asks the woman behind the bar, "would you be the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Why yes", she says, "that would be me."
"Well then", the man says, "how about washing your hands... and making me a cheese sandwich." :rolleyes: :D

[LBaker]

> A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the
> city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it,
> goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow dow!
!
n at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

[siggy]

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my furstrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."

[Daniel, Laura, and Nora]

Back in the mists of time, a young woman married a taciturn old farmer. After the wedding they set off for the farm in his buggy. She tried making conversation but he only grunted if he made any response at all. She fell silent. After a while, the horse stumbled and he spoke for the first time. "That's one!" They drove on. A mile down the road, the horse stumbled again. "That's two," he growled. They continued until, yet again, the horse stumbled. "That's THREE," he shouted, and with that he leaped off the buggy and shot the horse in the head.

His wife began screaming. "Why oh why did you shoot the poor horse! He's dead! What's going on with...."

The farmer was silent until she quieted down.

"That's one...."

D

[siggy]

> ><< A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
> > "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
> > > On the morning of her birthday, he got her up
> > > bright and early and off they went to a local theme
> > > park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the
> > > park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of
> > > Fear - everything there was! Wow!
> >
> > > Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park,
> > > her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to
> > > a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her
> > > a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing
> > > chocolate shake.
> >
> > > Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars
> > > epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a
> > > fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with
> > > her husband and collapsed into bed.
> >
> > > He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what
> > > was it like being six again?"
> >
> > > One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
> >

> > The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually
> > listening, he will still get it wrong.

[shubles]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on lads, not far now!"

[siggy]

This is a bit early...but nonetheless here goes...

While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,
according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl!

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[shubles]

Originally posted by siggy
This is a bit early...but nonetheless here goes...

While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,
according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl!

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Ooh Yeah!!!!!

Go Siggy!!!!!

Give it to them!!!!!!!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

[wylie]

Oldie but goodie

"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer."
Hannah, 9

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
Michael, 14

"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair".
Taylia, 10

"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac."
Andrew, 9

"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time."
Kyoyo, 9

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
Armir, 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."
Kellie, 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
Naomi, 15

"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick."
Lauren, 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel,10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. "
Alyesha, 13

"Never try to baptize a cat. "
Eileen, 8

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
long enough.
Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns.
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all
grossed out.
Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck.
Ricky, age 10

[zhotfire]

Originally posted by wylie

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10


ROFLMAO!! :D If you're gonna dream... dream BIG! :)

[zhotfire]

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics
to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said
the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the
same way 'Take a clean dish and....'"

[zhotfire]

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

[zhotfire]

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to
a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because
his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael,
what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

[zhotfire]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires it.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back!

He saddles up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[zhotfire]

A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur. Be careful."

[zhotfire]

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

[siggy]

POLICE

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

[siggy]

POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

[siggy]

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

[siggy]

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."

[siggy]

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

[siggy]

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[siggy]

A large two-engine train was crossing the country. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No Problem." the engineer thought and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement; "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here from some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

[wylie]

A man calls home to his wife and says, Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get
that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick
my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise
looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few pike. But
why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

The wife replies; I did, they were in your tackle box.

[zhotfire]

The Canadians are finally going to help America with the war on terrorism. We have pledged 2 of our biggest battle ships, 600 ground troops, and 6 fighter jets.

After the American Exchange Rate they ended up with 1 canoe, 2 Mounties, and a flying squirrel. :D

(if you can't laugh at your own, who can you laugh at?)

[verT]

What about our fleet of paddle boats???

[zhotfire]

Originally posted by verT
What about our fleet of paddle boats???
Still docked at Rainbow Haven... they're having a problem installing the new diesel electric engines... :rolleyes:

[dnar]

Originally posted by zhotfire
The Canadians are finally going to help America with the war on terrorism. We have pledged 2 of our biggest battle ships, 600 ground troops, and 6 fighter jets.

After the American Exchange Rate they ended up with 1 canoe, 2 Mounties, and a flying squirrel. :D

(if you can't laugh at your own, who can you laugh at?)

Heavy armour? http://members.dingoblue.net.au/~dnar/images/icons/moose.gif

[zhotfire]

Originally posted by dnar


Heavy armour? http://members.dingoblue.net.au/~dnar/images/icons/moose.gif
That's the special ops squad from Newfoundland & Labrador. ;)

[dnar]

We can send our Special Worm Forces.... http://members.dingoblue.net.au/~dnar/images/icons/wormsgrabgun.gif

[shubles]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to her new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replied,."Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?".


Finally, a smart blonde.

[wylie]

YEAH!!!!
YOU GO GIRL!!!!

BLONDS REVENGE!!! :D :D :D

[shubles]

Power to the blondies :)

[siggy]

1. act naturally
2. Holy war
3. found missing
4. resident alien
5. genuine imitation
6. airline food
7. good grief
8. same difference
9. almost exactly

last but not least, Dnar's favorite.

10. Microsoft Works

[Bruce]

You've possibly seen some of these before . . . ?
I thought they were cute.

>
> OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
>
> This comes from a Catholic elementary school.
> Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have
> not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
>
>
> 1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
> creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
>
> 2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was
> called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
>
> 3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
>
> 4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
> trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
>
> 5. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
> bread which is bread which is without any ingredients.
>
> 6. The Egyptians were all drowned in the desert. Afterwards, Moses
> went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
>
> 7. The seventh commandment is Thou shalt not admit adultery.
>
> 8. Moses died in battle before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led
> the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
>
> 9. The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to
> stand still and he obeyed him.
>
> 10. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
> with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
>
> 11. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
>
> 12. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
> Magna Carta.
>
> 13. When the three wise guys from the East arrived, they found Jesus in
> the manager.
>
> 14. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
>
> 15. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
> before they do one to you.
>
> 16. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The
> epistles were the wives of the apostles.
>
> 17. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
>
> 18. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
> which is another name for marriage.
>
> 19. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

[siggy]

Argument - A discussion that occurs when she is right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook - To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire"

Blonde jokes - Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Patience - The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquilizers"

Valentine's Day - A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but considers herself lucky to get a card.

[siggy]

1st Child - Mother picks it up, runs to the kitchen and disinfects it by boiling in water for ten minutes. Then after it cools down for 10 minutes, she gives it back to the child.

2nd Child - Mother picks it up, washes it off in hot water, blows on it to cool it down, and gives it back to the child.

3rd Child - Mother picks it up, licks it off, and gives it back to the child.

4th Child - Dog picks it up and licks it off. Mother gives it back to the child.

[zhotfire]

700 porcupines... ROFLMAO!!! :D

[siggy]

1. Everything except
2. Civil war
3. Sanitary landfill
4. alone together
5. Legally drunk
6. freezer burn
7. Living dead
8. Diet ice cream
9. working vacation
10. exact estimate

[dnar]

AUTUMN, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new
chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian chief in a modern society, he had never been
taught the old secrets, and, when he looked at the sky, he couldn't
tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he went to the
phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the
coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief told his people to collect even more wood.
One week later he called the weather service again. "Is it going
to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man again replied. "It's going to be very cold."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of wood.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are
you sure winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the
coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

[Bruce]

To all of you that are trying to have children, good luck ... passing
the test that is. For all the rest of us we can look on and have a few chuckles of remembrance. You are not ready to be a parent until you can pass the following tests:
*****************************************

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the Wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.

Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a strong cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4 a.m. Set alarm for 5 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

[Bruce]

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

[siggy]

TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly - Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month
when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life
in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a
driver's license
in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other:

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

[siggy]

A couple invited some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and asked her to say the blessing. “I wouldn’t know what to say,” she replied. “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the mother said.

The little girl bowed her head and prayed, “Dear Lord, why on Earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

[siggy]

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelets.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Everyone is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says; “How’s my driving-call 1-800-***-.”
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitatio0n to batting-practice.
7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male
8. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

[siggy]

10. Cats’ facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and egg-shell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

[wylie]

Originally posted by siggy
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.


cutting your WHAT???????

[siggy]

Originally posted by wylie


cutting your WHAT???????

Straight from Mrs. Webster

bangs n A fringe of hair cut short, usually across the forehead.

[Bruce]

Originally posted by siggy
10. Cats’ facial expressions.


Sorry gals, some men understand animals (incl cats) as well or better than some of you.